Super Fun Weekend!

For the first time since coming to BYU I have a non-stop flight of FUN for the weekend. Tonight we're having a ward party. We're going to a skating rink and eating pizza. Basically a fifth grade birthday party! I am so excited to just have some fun! Saturday (tomorrow) I am possibly going up the canyon with some friends to have a picnic then returning home to go see a movie with my roomie! What's so amazing about this movie is that it is free! YAY BYU! The International Cinema has pretty much been amazing. We're going to see "Henry Poole Is Here." So excited. THEN I'm going to come home and get ready for my FIRST EVER blind date! FIRST EVER! Did I mention that?! SO COOL! Anyway, so after what I know will be a most amazing date, I'll probably come home and go to bed. lol. That's going to be awesome too considering that i haven't had much sleep lately...darn headaches...uhg.
Anyway, then Sunday is Sunday. Church, home, chill, dinner, Choir Practice, Ward Prayer, Honey Pot Notes and then chill some some back at home. This is where a sigh of happiness is most appropriate! I am SO excited.
Next week shouldn't be bad either. I get my last paycheck from Sonic-YAY and class and....yeah, the usual but it's going to be a great week. How can you have a horrible week after such an amazing weekend-which I KNOW this will be!
Have I mentioned I'm really excited?!

Think...Think...Think...

My head hurts. I CAN'T even think! It is times like these that I am extremely grateful that I haven't procrastinated my homework.


Uhg...I have a headache.

"Something Is Not Right!"

Have there ever been times where you just knew something was...off. That something in the cosmos was throwing everything off balance but you had no proof? You could just feel it...that the storm was coming...not unlike a cat.
Well, that's how I feel.
I'm not sure what it is and maybe it's just me being ridiculous but I can't shake the feeling that something...hmm...it's kind of like how Miss Clavel from Madeline always knows "Something is not right!" Even when she has no proof. Call me Miss Clavel. Only I wish I could just run up the stairs to fix the problem. But I don't even know where to go. What to do.
Again I'll say that I have no proof, just sheer instinct. It's eating away at me and it has been for the past few weeks. The silly thing is that I don't have any issues with anyone.
I've ironed things out with...someone I had a miscommunication with, I have no problems with my roomies, I'm a little irked with my younger sister but she's halfway across the country right now so no big deal, I am totally cool with my class, my sisters who live here are fine...It's mind boggling.
It almost feels like it's someone else who has a problem with me but...who? And why? Granted...I'm not perfect and someone could easily have a problem with me but who? If it's someone I love and who loves me, why wouldn't they have just confronted me about it? Because I've felt this way for about an entire week. I think that's plenty of time...right?
You see, I'm not the kind of person who gets ticked just because someone confronts me about something and I don't like it. No, I am 95% of the time completely calm and willing to work on whatever it is, if I can help it. What irritates me is when someone waits. What makes that worse is tha, inevitably, like all of us, we HAVE to talk to SOMEONE. Sadly, too many of us talk to the wrong someone. We don't want to offend anyone, we don't want to create a big dramatic mess, I know I usually just want it all to go away. But that's not how it works. We get scared so we talk to other people when the person we SHOULD be talking to...well...we don't until it's been a week or two.
So many issues could be solved with communication. I'm a FIRM believer in that. The thing that sucks about all of this? I don't really KNOW if someone has a problem. Something just feels wrong. I would love for this to all be in my head, but then again, there's a bigger stronger part of me that knows SOMETHING is up...and I may be the last to know which is the worst.

When You Spoke The Name That Angels Seemed To Whisper...

It's true. Anytime I have a problem, music becomes my therapy. Happy music for when I feel like dancing or that, for the moment, life has shown a glimpse of perfection. Mellow music for when I need to take a chill pill and realize that I'm not perfect but that doesn't mean I can't want to be. Rock-ish music for when I just feel crazy and need to let some kind of frustration go. All kinds of music! Music is my therapy.
Music is also a passion in the sense that when I sing, when I perform, I get to immerse myself in lyrics and passion and help the audience to realize that the song I'm singing isn't just a song. It's an emotion, it's an exclamation, it's an adventure.
My favorite songs to sing are from musicals. That may sound silly but I think it's because there is almost always a history behind that song. For example, the Dulcinea reprise from Man of La Mancha is so powerful. Aldonza grows from a girl who had no idea what her potential was to a woman who faces her grim circumstances and recognizes that she can be better than what she thought she was meant to be.
I can't explain the emotion that I felt, that I feel, when I sing that song. Maybe I'm the only one who has ever been overcome with emotion when singing that song but for some reason it means so much to me. It's short but powerful and I want to post the lyrics for you all. If you ever have a chance to see that musical, I wouldn't suggest taking little children, it's a bit dark in ways, but you should see it. There is this indescribable feeling you can get from it, it almost makes you feel invincible. AND if you have time to google it, do it! Listen to it! To get the full effect I would listen to the whole thing. But, a word of caution, don't go rent the movie version of it...it STINKS! It almost defiles the story...the movie is crappy really. Anyway, here is the reprise:

ALDONZA:

Dulcinea... Dulcinea...
Once you found a girl
And called her Dulcinea,
When you spoke the name
An angel seemed to whisper...
Dulcinea... Dulcinea...

Dulcinea... Dulcinea...
Won't you please bring back
The dream of Dulcinea...
Won't you bring me back
The bright and shining glory
Of Dulcinea... Dulcinea...

Stupid Groundhog...

I take it back.

He wasn't wrong.

It snowed today.

Not that I mind snow most of the time.

I'm just getting a little sick of it.

I WANT SPRING!

Yeah, That Groundhog? He Was WRONG!

It has been stunningly beautiful here in Provo, Utah. We're talking sunny with a slight breeze with a high in the mid 60s. Gorgeous.
I didn't have to work today and because I wasn't stuck inside making Cherry Limeades and Root Beer Floats, I was able to take a book, sit on my porch and read. It felt so wonderful to just sit there and relax. Nothing, and I mean nothing, interrupted me. Do you know how great that feels? Even though it was only for about an hour, I still just got to sit there and feel the breeze and read my book and listen to the one or two birds who have confidently returned from their winter vacations to the south.
At one point I closed my eyes and let my body soak in the lovely goodness of the day. I started to think about how we, as human beings, caught up in a world heavily influenced by electronic toys and mechanic gadgets, forget so easily the things that we here even before we were.
The Mountains. The trees. The air. The Birds. The smell that only comes after a rain shower. The Sunshine!
Even though everything is still pretty much dead, the sun is shining and it's warm enough that my roommates and I don't find it necessary to close the apartment door. (While we're there at least.) Therefore I believe that that silly little Groundhog, who "predicts" the winter forecast every February 2nd, was either playing a joke on "the unsuspecting humans" or just flat out wrong. Either way, today was beautiful. The end.

Coming Undone.

This week as been filled with nothing but emotional lows. Stress has taken on a new definition in my life. The worst part about it all? I've let that be an excuse for something else I hate.
Hypocrisy.
I wrote that contention was something I hated. It's true, but I want to add that I'm not perfect. I get wrapped up in stupid arguments. I made ridiculous accusations and hurt people I love...even though I may have only known them for awhile. I don't care what was hurt, feelings, pride...anything. If I caused that pain...It's hard for me. People have been telling me not to mope around, not to feel so bad. To let it go. But, as bad as it is, that's not my nature. I wish I could. I wish that I could just say "It's all good!" and believe it but I can't.
I think perhaps because I hate contention, even the littlest bit, it makes it harder for me to handle. I avoid it as much as possible, meaning I don't have to go through damage control to fix it, which also means that I'm not good at it when I have to.
This isn't the end of the world. I know that. But I value my friendships way too much to just say, "Okay, this happens. It'll blow over." I hate feeling like there are things left undone, unsaid.
No, I shouldn't mope but I can't just let go of the fact that I hurt someone.
So I'm sorry.
To anyone I have hurt. I truly am.