Patience.

It's really hard for me.

I hate being patient.

I'm a control freak and a perfectionist and I like to know what is going on at all times.

Unfortunately, the Lord knows that I have a problem with patience and therefore is always testing me to see if I've gotten any better.

Lately, I have been trying really hard but I think I've been scoring closer to C's than A's but I'm getting better. I'm just not doing as well as I would like to be. This is a problem because then I start to be hard on myself and then I loose the confidence to do better and start slipping in other areas of my life. It's a constant battle but I'm not backing down.

I will learn how to be more patient and to trust the Lord with my life.

He has bigger and better plans for me and I just need to trust that.

I will learn patience if it is the last thing I do!

Mash Up for a Perfect Emotion

Sometimes in life you get hurt. It happens and life goes on. I'm one of those people who finds solace in music. I love listening to music that a friend of mine calls "angry girl music" if I'm mad about the situation but then I feel bad because I know how emotions can run high and how sometimes you get caught up in something that you know can't and won't last so then I listen to the "I'm-hurt-but-I-don't-blame-you" music. But then I feel like I have every right to be upset, maybe not angry but still upset so I listen to the "I'm-going-to-be-fine-but-please-don't-talk-to-me-for-awhile" music. BUT THEN I think, "Good grief! I'm so much better than this moping crap! Put on your big girl panties and get over it!" There is a genre of music for this too. I call it the, "It's-alright-I'm-stronger-than-weakness" music.

A couple weeks ago I went through this rather emotional roller coaster ride. I don't regret it, I learned a lot from it but I wish maybe I had been a little wiser in my decision making. I also wish I had been stronger than to give myself false hope. (A mistake I don't often make...) Anyway, I've been listening to all my "relationship music genres" lately and realized that I wish I could take certain lines from a bunch of different songs to make one mega-mash-up song that could appropriately sum up all the emotions. Here is my attempt to do so.

"When you see my face hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell,"

-Gives You Hell, All-American Rejects

"So so what I'm still a rock star I've got my rock moves and I don't need you,"

-So What, Pink

"You know fairy tales don't come true, not when it comes to you,"

-Sick of You, Selena Gomez

"I guess the change in my pocket wasn't enough, I'm like forget you,"

-Forget You, Cee lo Green

"Next time I'll be braver I'll be my own savior...No I won't let you close enough to hurt me,"

-Turning Tables, Adele

"Who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars collecting your jar of hearts tearing love apart."

-Jar Of Hearts, Christina Perri

"I'm telling you baby, it's called Karma"

-Karma, Julie Andrew

"Nevermind I'll find someone like you, I wish nothing but the best for you,"

-Someone Like You, Adele

"I don't want mudslinging games, it's just a shame to let you walk away,"

-Ashes and Wine, A Fine Frenzy

"You and me always between the lines,"

-Between The Lines, Sara Bareilles

"We could've had it all rollin' in the deep,"

-Rollin' In The Deep, Adele

"How many times will it take for me to get it right?"

-Get it Right, Glee

"One of these days I'll wake up from this bad dream I'm dreaming. One of these days I'll pray that I'll be over, over, over you."

-Ghost of You, Selena Gomez

"He and I had something beautiful but so dysfunctional, it couldn't last,"

-Near to You, A Fine Frenzy

"I let you go now that I found a way to keep somehow more than a broken vow,"

-Broken Vow, Josh Groban

"One less man to pick up after, I should be happy but all I do is cry,"

-One Less Bell To Answer, Glee Cast Version

"Should've known you'd bring me heartache almost lovers always do,"

-Almost Lover, A Fine Frenzy

"The game is on again, a lover or a friend? A big thing or a small the winner takes it all,"

-The Winner Takes It All, ABBA

"Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in,"

-Because of You, Kelly Clarkson

"You paint me a blue sky then go back and turn it to rain,"

-Dear John, Taylor Swift

"You told me you loved me so why did you go away?"

-Last Kiss, Taylor Swift

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart,"

-Total Eclipse of the Heart, Bonnie Tyler

"But it's been so long, it's never easy it's like trying to spin the world the other way,"

-What Can I Say, Carrie Underwood

"I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long, I'm moving on,"

-Moving On, Rascal Flatts

"It's alright I'll be fine, don't worry about this heart of mine,"

-Leave the Pieces, The Wreckers

"Now all our memories are haunted, we were always meant to say goodbye,"

-Already Gone, Kelly Clarkson

"But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you this is what I have to do,"

-Where I Stood, Missy Higgins

"Make your own kind of music sing your own special song,"

-Make Your Own Kind of Music, The Mamas & the Papas

"Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking."

-Smile, Nat King Cole

"Don't give up, because you are loved."

-Don't Give Up, Josh Groban

"There can be miracles when you believe. Though hope is frail it's hard to kill."

-When You Believe, Prince of Egypt

"Don't stop believing hold on to that feeling,"

-Don't Stop Believing, Journey

"Live like there's no tomorrow, love like it's all that we know,"

-Like There's No Tomorrow, Selena Gomez

"Hauka Matata"

-Hakuna Matata, The Lion King

"I have a dream, a song to sing, to help me cope with anything."

-I Have a Dream, ABBA

So this is definitely not a comprehensive list of songs I listen to but it works. For now.

We Called It "The Best Dam-Shirtless-Beaches Trip"

Why?

Because we passed a Dam. Made a joke about being shirtless. Went to two beaches. And enjoyed ourselves at Disneyland. I've never been to any of the Disney parks before so it was my first time and I completely enjoyed myself.

So I went to California for a little vacation. It started out with about 15 people. Only 4 of us went. Me and 3 boys: Adam, Nolan and Sean. Not going to lie, it was SO MUCH FUN! Being the only girl for once was nice. Having 5 sisters and no brothers, this was definitely a new experience and I loved every last second of it. Even the extremely long ride back to Provo.

Between The Lines

"Time to tell me the truth..."

It's hard knowing that someone is telling you only half a truth because only half of them can be honest with you. It's 100% percent of half of them and you want that to be enough but in all reality it's not.

"...to burden your mouth with what you say, no pieces of paper in the way..."

I know in this lovely world of technology, texting has become a part of relationships of all kinds. The problem with this is that there is no inflection, there is no obligation to respond to any kind of communication if there is no face-to-face confrontation. It's hard for people, like myself, who are so led and directed and in tune to their emotions.

"...'cause I can't continue, pretending to choose..."

Pretending that no matter what you decide, I'll support you and be happy for you is tiring. You know I do love and support you but being dragged out through this whole process has taken its toll on me in every way.

"...these opposite sides on which we fall, the loving you laters if at all..."

We're torn, or at least I am, between these two options that only you can decide on and I have to go along with. Maybe you think that's unfair but I don't think so. I could walk away but every time I try, you reel me back in with promises of hope and that's unfair.

"...no right minds could wrong be this many times."

Which must mean that neither one of us has a "right" mind.

Changing the pace here a little bit, how the heck is it okay in your mind to drag me along and give me hope and then not even talk to me about what you're actually thinking? I get that maybe you need time to figure your ...crap...out but then you need to tell me that. I would be more than happy to give you your space and your time but there are certain things that have been exchanged between the two of us that you can't just expect me to "know" what to do. Plus, let's just point out the very obvious fact that I am a female. What female do you know that doesn't want to know what you're thinking or what you'd prefer for her to do? Especially when emotions are involved like this.

"You and me always between the lines."

Time Management and Other Confessions of a Control Freak

Okay, so really my daily ritual isn't super important to anyone else's life but my own however, someone asked me and I thought I should blog about it. So here it is. This is what I do (or intend to do) every day. Weekends are much different...as you'll see.

Monday-Friday Morning

(Friday after 5pm differs every week)

6:30am: Wake up

6:32-6:45am: Shower

6:46-6:50am: Get dressed and towel dry my hair

6:50-7:00am: Eat a small bowl of cereal-typically Honey Nut Chex or Cheerios. And by small I mean literally 3/4 cup. :) Also during this time my hair can air dry.

7:00-7:10am: Make my lunch

7:10-7:20am: Blow dry and style my hair. (It has taken me YEARS but I finally figured out a way that I can do it in 10 minutes or less.)

7:20-7:25am: Apply my make-up. Some days it takes a little longer if I want to look extra nice but I'm pretty fast with this one.

(I give myself 5 minutes extra in the morning in case any of the afore mentioned activities take longer than planned.)

7:30am: If I'm walking this morning, I leave for work. If Maria picks me up I have another 5 minutes for touch ups. :)

7:45/7:50am: I usually get to work between this time. Sometimes earlier but NEVER after. I hate being late...

8:00am-Work begins.

Between the hours of 8am and 5pm (for the rest of the summer that is) I work. I stuff diploma covers, process transcript requests, open the office mail, send out transcripts, answer phones-and all sorts of ridiculous question that people somehow manage to conjure up, I process name changes, I process verification request, I file, I get rid of old or outdated forms, I restock forms. The list goes on but some of it would make no sense to anyone outside the office. For example: Checking edits. What?? It takes too long to explain so I'll move on...

5pm-I go home. Sometimes I walk, sometimes I get a ride from Maria. It all depends on how I'm feeling.

Between 5:15-5:25pm: I get home! By this point I'm usually to tired to do anything right away but eventually I get up.

5:45pm-Make my bed and clean my room. I know it's late in the day but there is just something so calming about a clean room.

6:00pm-Eat dinner. Sometimes. Sometimes I'm just not hungry so I have a "snack" for dinner. Like toast or an egg. But usually for dinner I have a sandwich or pasta dish of some kind. While I eat I watch TV or a movie. (Lately this has continued after I've finished eating but it's not my typical ritual)

Around 7:30pm I go out and visit my friends in the ward. Sometimes this takes the rest of the night but sometimes it doesn't. It just depends.

9:00-10:00pm-Work out. (I've been with friends every night for the past couple week so this hasn't happened. I've been thinking about doing it right when I get home but as for now 9pm is when I have it scheduled for.) My roommate Coli and I do this together. Sometimes we do Jillian Michaels work outs, sometimes we do abs and sometimes we do an 80s Hips, Buns and Thighs work out. It's FUN! Now, it never takes the whole hour because most of the work outs are only 30-40 minutes but for the other 20 mins I take the time to shower.

10:00-10:?pm: I say my prayers, read my scriptures and go to bed. I'm usually asleep every night before 11.

Like I said before, Friday after 5pm is different because I don't have to wake up early the next day. And if I do wake up early the next day, it's not to do anything where I really need my brain to do any hard or focused thinking.

Saturday

The only blessed day that I get to sleep in!

8:30-9am: Wake up

9(ish)am: Breakfast. This usally consists of a couple eggs or a small bowl of cereal.

I don't usually plan out my Saturdays. Sometimes I devote most of the day to chores like laundry or dished or vacuuming or cleaning my room or cleaning the bathroom etc. Sometimes I go shopping. Other times I sit at home and do nothing but watch TV or Movies. (Which sounds lazy but give me a break, I do a lot during the week!) I hang out with friends, go swimming, go to the park, ride my bike or whatever else my little heart fancies. Saturday is my day to do basically whatever I want to do.

Sunday

8:30am-Wake up.

Then the rest of the day is devoted to Church. I'm in meetings for church or at church or doing something related to church from 10:30am to 5:00pm, then again at 8:00pm. Occasionally I'll watch a movie after 9:00pm but mostly I just go to bed. Sundays are long and full days but I LOVE them. :)

So, there you have it whether you cared to know or not. (But if you didn't care, why did you take the time to visit my blog and read this post? Just a thought...)

As my friend and I discussed why I plan out my time like this it got me thinking. First of all I will admit that I am a control freak. There are so many events in life that can't be controlled so the things that I can control I do. Like the following: Time Management. I have my movies arranged by genre and within the genre by actor. For example in musicals I have 3 movies with Shirley Jones they are placed next to one another. (I have also created a spread sheet organizing my movies by genre, year and director.) In my closet, my clothes are arranged by color. My books are arranged by author and then by size. The list goes on. So, like I've said, I control the things I can because there are things I can't control but I think that my control freakishness may also come from overcompensation for the things that I should be able to control but that I'm awful at. Like Money Management. Gross. I hate it. I have tried to create a budget many many times and I fail at sticking to it every time. It's ridiculous. But what can I say? I'm not perfect, I'm a perfectionist and a control freak.

Just Some Thoughts...

You know how in the movies there are times when a character says, "It's been so long since I've dated...I don't even know how to anymore!" I was thinking about this today. Not with a "pity me" sort of attitude but just a very pensive one. I thought about how I feel like that sometimes. I seriously haven't dated anyone in over 2 and a half years. In fact, I haven't been on anymore than three dates. It made me worry that whenever it is that I finally do start dating again, whenever that happens to be, I'll be awkward and won't know how to just be me. I mean, it's easy to be you with yourself and I know who I am but with someone else who you want to impress but aren't trying to impress? Will it just be that easy to be myself? Thoughts?