Coming Undone.

This week as been filled with nothing but emotional lows. Stress has taken on a new definition in my life. The worst part about it all? I've let that be an excuse for something else I hate.
Hypocrisy.
I wrote that contention was something I hated. It's true, but I want to add that I'm not perfect. I get wrapped up in stupid arguments. I made ridiculous accusations and hurt people I love...even though I may have only known them for awhile. I don't care what was hurt, feelings, pride...anything. If I caused that pain...It's hard for me. People have been telling me not to mope around, not to feel so bad. To let it go. But, as bad as it is, that's not my nature. I wish I could. I wish that I could just say "It's all good!" and believe it but I can't.
I think perhaps because I hate contention, even the littlest bit, it makes it harder for me to handle. I avoid it as much as possible, meaning I don't have to go through damage control to fix it, which also means that I'm not good at it when I have to.
This isn't the end of the world. I know that. But I value my friendships way too much to just say, "Okay, this happens. It'll blow over." I hate feeling like there are things left undone, unsaid.
No, I shouldn't mope but I can't just let go of the fact that I hurt someone.
So I'm sorry.
To anyone I have hurt. I truly am.

Something I Hate.

Contention. In even the slightest way. I didn't use to be like this, not at all. I loved to debate about things. As long as it wasn't religion. I used to find things to argue about with my sisters. I would jump into arguments to defend what I thought was the "right" side. Anyway, I can't stand it. Even if it is just a "discussion" about opposing opinions.
I apologize if it offends people when I try to move off topic.
The thing is, is that conversations like that have no other purpose than trying to make the other side see your point. And while that can be very insightful, it can also just lead to an unending banter. Not that either side is "right" per se, it's just that it can't come to a conclusion. Nothing is "solved". Hooray, you're opponent understands that you feel the way you do, but you know what? You'd feel that way and your opponent could understand that, with or without the "discussion" contentiously held.
Don't get me wrong, I love to learn about new ideas and technologies and things, but I don't like debating about them. Why? Because it comes down to opinion. If I don't like something after I've studied it out and learned all I can about it, I'm not likely to change my mind. Maybe that's just me being "ignorant" as some people would say, or maybe it's the fact that I am entitled to my own opinion.
I do hate it. A lot. Most people don't see it the same way I do, but I feel that if someone has to defend themselves or a certain idea, if they feel like it is being attacked, it's time to move on.
Again, I apologize if my definition of contention offends anyone. Heaven forbid I try to lessen the contention in my home.

Cowboys....Mmm.

I want to marry a cowboy. I decided, at the fabulous barn dance, tonight that I wan to marry a cowboy. Not one of those farmer/red-neck fakes, no, I mean a real, rodeo cowboy. They just are....well...awesome.
One thing about cowboys is that if you marry one then you know that you'll have a hard working companion. That's a good thing! And the thing about most cowboys is that they LOVE to do things. Lots of things! Heaven knows that I'm going to have to marry someone who can keep me entertained...
Anywho, it's just something I decided tonight. I doubt that it'll happen but I can dream, no? YES! I can! And nobody can tell me I can't!

"GhEtTo DaNcE PaRtY!!!!" & Other Cools Things I Did This Fine Day..

Yes, I just arrived home from the moat amazing birthday/Ghetto Dance Party to have ever been thrown. There was GANGSTA music and way ghetto outfits. I'm telling you the WHOLE shebang. Everybody came and...it was off the hook. (I am purposefully using terminology that I usually wouldn't...like "off the hook"). There were so many people dressed up and a few people I didn't even recognize at first. One being a Home Teacher of mine! It was INSANE! It was SO much fun though it totally erased any sense of boredom that has been looming over me all day. Well, sort of. I'm not usually one for play-by-plays of mine of anyone else's days but, it's the best way for now...lol.
Anyway, I woke up...blah, blah, blah, I went to class, I came home and I sat on the couch. I seriously sat there and stared at the wall wondering about inexpensive ways we could decorate the apartment. I was so bored that I curled my hair. For the second time this week. It's not an interesting process, just long and it fills in the gaps. Anyway, then I met my friend Taylor for lunch. It was pretty much me making up for having to cancel our date last Saturday due to my little pal, the flu. Gross. I don't recommend it. Yeah, so on my way home I passed the oh-so-cute ducks and I watched them for just a little while. I don't know why but all day I've had that feeling like I needed to get something done I just couldn't figure it out for the LIFE of me! So I got back home and attempted to make my bed, which usually isn't just an attempt. I usually take everything off the bed and put it back on in a very meticulous manner. Yeah, well, today, not so much. I seriously just tucked my little stuffed animal monkey in my bed and walked away. I guess one could've called me lazy, I would just say tired and bored to insanity.
Well, I decided I wanted to watch a movie. So I chose "Just Like Heaven." A wonderfully witty little movie. You've gotta love Reese Witherspoon! She rocks. When that was finished I sat around some more. Yeah, I know, real productive but c'mon! I'm a college kid for cryin' out loud and it is FRIDAY night! Anyway, so a bit later my roommate comes on in the apartment and suggests that we go and see an International Film that BYU shows every week. Tonight, "The Counterfeiters" was playing. BYU has special permission to have the films edited leaving only the information that is educational. (aka...no sex, no unnecessary violence etc.) And it was phenomenal! It was in a few different languages, English, Russian, Hebrew and German. It was, however, subtitled, if it hadn't been, I probably wouldn't have enjoyed it as much because for the most part it was in German and Hebrew! Anywho, it is something that we've decided to turn into a tradition. We're going to go and see one every Saturday night.
I love little traditions like that. Just new, fun, FREE things...like Social Dance Club. Though I'm still not very good, I enjoy going and learning new things. Like the Foxtrot and the Night Club 2-step, which I have decided are my favorite dances...it's remembering them that's a bit tricky...lol.
Lastly, to top this off with a cherry (even though I dislike them strongly but you get the idea) tomorrow there is a barn dance for my ward and 2 others! I am SOOOO pumped. Dancing is just...releasing. Like tonight! I don't dance well, especially "free-style" like tonight was. In fact, I'm sure that there are a lot of people who think of how I dance and picture a chicken with Turrets but that's just fine! I had fun! I got to be silly and get...weird. lol. I love new things! I love it more when I actually love to love those new things! Everyone should try something new this week...that's my suggestion.

A Book in The Nook of my Brain...

It's been there since I was 12. I've been writing, editing, and rewriting the whole thing ever since. What stumps me now is that I would like to have a publisher read it and let me know what they think. It's not something that has to happen within the next year or anything, because heaven knows it's not quite ready...I'm not quite ready, but I don't know.
At this point the story can go two ways. Both drastically different from the other. One involves a whole bunch of mythical creatures: fairies, mermaids, dragons and the like, while the other involves only dragons...in a sense. One is more realistic with a flare of fantasy while the other one is purely fantasy. It's somewhat of a headache trying to go through it all and rewrite it so that it appeals more, not only to me, but to more people than just a few preteens.
Uhg.
Anyway, I do love writing it. It's an escape like nothing else. I guess I shouldn't say "escape" because there isn't really anything in my life that I need or even want to escape from. I should say it's one of my ways to vacation. Even if it is just for a couple hours. Writing, is second only to music and theatre. Good things come in threes I suppose. :)
The thing is that I get inspiration at the strangest times. At midnight, when I wake up to take more cold medicine or in the middle of making a strawberry limeade at work. When I can afford to stop and read/reread and write/rewrite, it's like this brain of mine TRAPS me. It knows that there is a way to bridge the gap between what the story is know to what I want it to be. It knows that path but it blocks me from it anytime that most human beings would consider normal. But when that wall is removed and I can smell the roses and hear the little birds chirping as they fly next to the path, I can't for the life of me escape for two seconds to jot it down! This doesn't happen ALL the time. I should give my brain some credit.
It's all just stuck up there and I wish that I could pause the world to just spend time on my story. I love it so much. Unfortunately, that's not possible. Oh well, the time will come...I mean, I won't be working all day EVERYDAY in the summer. I just have to hold out for a few more months...

A Break in the Clouds.

Lately, here in Provo, the weather has been absolutely insane. In the morning it'll be snowing and you can't see more than a few feet in front of you and by the end of the day, it's sunny and warm. Well, as warm as Provo can be in mid-February.
Anyway, I was thinking about that this morning. How the weather, no matter how we try to predict it, can change whenever it wants. Kind of like our lives.
An opportunity has come knocking and I refuse to refuse it. I have been offered a job interview at a Security System office working in the customer service department. I haven't been guaranteed the job, or any job there at all, but the opportunity is what makes me realize that I'm not doomed to work at Sonic forever. There is...hope, I suppose you could say, for me. A sunny ending to a snowy day. Now maybe I'm jumping the gun. I don't have the job or anything and I'm already getting excited about leaving Sonic, but my perspective has changed. I feel different about my situation and I am grateful for the sunshine feeling I have.
I need to mention how this all came about, which is truly simple yet wonderful. Dan, whom I consider a really good friend, works for this company. He was the one who thought of me when he heard that they were looking into hiring, he let me know and now I have the choice to make something good out of this and not let it pass me by. Thank you, Dan.
This particular entry is really somewhat all over the place but it's kind of my state of mind right now. I'm just grateful for the break, even if it just a small one, in the clouds of "fate" (which I'm not even sure I believe in). I do know, however, that life goes on even during the storm and I'm grateful for trials and whatnot but it's so nice to have the little reminders around you, popping up in places you would never expect, signifying that, yes, there is someone who watches out for all of us and does give us those breaks to breathe and catch up with ourselves. I don't even know if this makes sense to anyone but I suppose that doesn't quite matter.

Find The "Ducks" in Your Life

I would just like to write about a little blessing that I believe effects me greatly. You see, here at BYU you see a lot of wonderful things. (You can also see some not so wonderful things but I choose to ignore those...) One, or I guess a few dozen, of those wonderful things happens to be the duck pond.
This is a little pond where a bunch of cute, quacking, little duckies live. I am fortunate enough to pass this pond every Monday, Wednesday and Friday (the days of my class.) Every time I pass these little cuties, I can't help but smile and sometimes I even laugh. Out loud, so it's really an "LOL" moment. I have no idea why though. Perhaps it's the way that they always sound like they're laughing. Maybe it's the way they waddle, which is so adorable. It could, however, be the way they tuck into themselves to sleep. Now, I would never want to get to close to one of these little darlings, because they might not be so darling if they felt threatened, but if ever they were no leave the pond, I think I would cry.
To me, the duck pond (ducks included) is a blessing from the Lord. There is not one morning, no matter good or just plain crappy, that I pass the ducks and not feel better. I mean, geesh, they're laughing all the time! Have you ever heard a duck cry? I think not! How can something that seems so happy ALL the time and is just so cute make anyone anything but happy? It's amazing. It reminds me that the Lord really does know us. I mean, those ducks have been there for a long time, it's not like the Lord put them there as soon as I moved here to Provo, but He knew they'd make me happy. And what a blessing they are. I love the little duckies even though some of them aren't very little. Some of those suckers are MASSIVE! Still, they are darn cute! Everyone should find their "Ducks" of life.
I love nature. I love that the Lord has placed us in a world that is so beautiful and full of so many wonderful natural things. Take the time some day to stop, take the i-pod headphones out of your ears, sit down on a bench (or the ground) and just watch nature. Close your eyes and listen to the sounds. Look around you and count how many colors you see or if it's winter, try to appreciate, for once, the snow that is blanketing the earth in white instead of complaining that it's too cold or too slippery. It's amazing how differently you'll feel after just a few minutes of turning off society and the technological world to dive into nature and all it's wonders.

Testing 1..2..3...

Can you define what antigenetic shift is? Can you draw and label an influenza A virus?
Biology is an interesting subject for me. Sometimes I really really enjoy it. Then as I study for the test I feel completely incompetent. I am wide awake in every class, I look over my previous notes and the notes that my Professor posts on Blackboard and yet, even now, there are only a few questions that I truly feel confident in answering.
That's just one type of test that I feel has been prevalent in my life at the moment. The other one, which encompasses many other smaller...quizzes if you will, is Patience. Having friends who are serving missions, your best friend being one of them, is SO amazing but at the same time it's hard to stomach that there is still another year before most of them get home.
Sonic. What a weird kind of blessing. I love the fact that I have a job. I never want to seem ungrateful for it but the problem is this. I don't work as much as I need to. For example, I don't work today and I only work 3 hours tomorrow. I'm don't even know about the rest of the week. But I have come to a decision. I am going to fill out my FAFSA in order to get student loans. I seriously DREAD the idea of being in debt but I also dread the idea that 4 years of school will take me 8 all of which would be paid by a Sonic paycheck. Yuck, no thanks. If I could graduate and start my career I would be able to start paying off that debt. Yes, I do understand that loans aren't for everyone however I feel that it is what I need to do. If I can get just a few thousand dollars in loans for a year, I could at least be a part time student (6 credit hours) and work on campus. I would love to have 12 credit hours and feel like every other stressed out college kid and I think that's what I need to do. I feel very strongly about that.
Time falls under this Patience thing. Time should really be number one on the list but, oh well. Anywho, because I have a plan, I want to execute it right this second. However, I have to print out my FAFSA papers and sign them and send them to my parents for them to sign and then double check them to make sure that everything is correctly filled out and THEN I can send them in. Whoo Hoo! Problem, I have to wait day by day for who knows how long to see if A-I'm qualified for the money I need and B-If I am qualified I still have to wait to hear that I am.
It's not a fun experience but I suppose that if I had done this four months ago it wouldn't be so bad.
On a brighter note my friend, Alisa, is coming down from BYU-Idaho this weekend to see and hang out with me! I love Valentines Day. It's interesting to me that so many people hate it. To me it's not just a day for celebrating that you are married, engaged or "taken". It's a FABULOUS holiday dedicated to LOVE! How awesome? Love for your friends, neighbors, church leaders, teacher, family...EVERYONE! I get to spend mine eating cookie dough, wearing my fuzzy slippers and warm PJ's and watching Sleepless in Seattle or Charade...some wonderfully made movie old or new. I am SO excited. It's somewhat interesting that I feel so strongly about it because out here at good ol' BYU where everyone is OBSESSED (okay, that's not quite fair, not everyone is obsessed) with getting married or finding your eternal companion. Don't get me wrong, it's important but...gag me. Geesh, some of these girls, in their 20s are completely heart broken because they're 'Old maids!" HA! Okay, sorry, I think that if you find the true love of your life at 22 GREAT! But just because you haven't doesn't mean that you'll look like an old shriveled up prune by the time you hit 25. Good grief! Get a life for goodness sakes! Be Columbus! Set sail, wanting to find that new world, but not so obsessed that you miss it! Keep a steady course, serve others, never give up and then one day WAMMY! You'll end up in your "American Continent" when you really went looking for "India".

Nineteen Years Old (And this is my 19th Post!)

This past weekend I turned the big 1-9! The last year to be a teenager. Kind of weird, really. I had a blast though. For example: I haven't been to Salt Lake City since I was about 7 and I really wanted to go and visit Temple Square. So I did. My roomies and a good friend all piled in the car with me and we took the 45 minute trip to Salt Lake. It was so much fun. Just everything about it was amazing. I felt the Spirit so strongly and at the most random times, like seeing the pulley system they used to help build the Temple. It was just amazing. No words can describe it. After that trip I've decided that on my birthday I will always do something spiritual that I wouldn't do everyday.
After SLC, we went to my favorite restaurant, or at least burger place, Red Robin. Yumm. Crispy Chicken Burger with just lettuce and mayo. It was amazing. We pretty much filled up on wonderful food and had to waddle back to the car.
When we got home we started decorating and getting ready for my party. Which probably wouldn't look like anything special to those big party goers but it was one of the most special birthdays ever. I had a family away from home with all of my friends. Even the ones who came and left pretty quickly meant so much to me and I was more than elated that they came.
It's so wonderful how the Lord knows exactly who to put in your life to make it easier. Don't get me wrong, I adore my family but it's not like I could just fly home for everything. It's just the most amazing thing to realize that the Lord knows what He's doing even when you don't.
There is a song that I've come to love so much. It just seems to apply to my life right now. The words are really applicable and the music they are put to is happy but not like a get-up-and-dance kind of happy. lol. It's called Older by Colbie Caillat.
Here are the lyrics:

Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go
Life goes on
Wasting no more time
So much to be done
Everything works out
So they say
Over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
Yeah, yeah

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Here before my eyes
Many roads ahead
Time for me to choose one way now
If I take a chance
What lies down the road
Feeling so confused
Turned around
On and on
On and on
Yeah, yeah'

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go
Life goes on
Over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
Yeah, yeah'

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older

It think that about sums it up!

"Wanting To Fly, But Scared To Try..."

Those lyrics come from the song, "Someone Like You" from Jekyll and Hyde. I love that song so much but the part that has stuck out to me the most lately is that small phrase. Wanting to fly, but scared to try. That, in a nutshell, is how I am feeling right now.
I want to go into the Theater Education program here but I am terrified to audition for scholarships and I believe I have to audition for the program. I want to have a minor in Vocal Performance but, again, that requires an audition.
Maybe I'm premature in judging my job at Sonic, which I am grateful for, but I just don't feel good going there. Not that it's fast food or that I walk six blocks to get there. After all, I choose to walk those six blocks. I just feel like there is something out there, job or opportunity wise, that will encompass 1-What I want to do 2-What I need to do 3-What I CAN do.
I'm sorry but I am not fast food qualified. Again, I've only worked there one day and it wasn't too bad but I just felt like I should've been somewhere else. If I could find a job at a local community theater or something, that would be perfect. I'd be making an income, I'd be learning things that would be beneficial to my education and future career and I'd be enjoying the trials that came with a position like that.
I dread making a mistake at Sonic. I know they don't expect me to be perfect but I want to cry half the time because I just can't keep up. By the end of the day I feel sick, literally and I just don't feel like I'm helping AT ALL. I feel like the new idiotic girl who doesn't know what she's doing...partially because I AM!
I started practicing a few songs today and I felt something. I can't explain it really, I just felt like that was what I should be doing and that I should be trying much much harder to find a way to not only do it because I love to but also to make an income. Then there was Social Dance Club where I know basically nothing and yet I wanted to learn. I wanted to mess up, look like an idiot and then learn how to do it the right way.
Maybe it's the difference in support systems that I have. At work I am friendless. I know nobody and everyone is way too busy to stop and really get to know me. Which is totally understandable. It makes it really hard to feel good about myself and my job. Whereas in dance or in theater or music I can say "Wait, can you explain it to me again" or "Okay, I need to do that again." And I can do it over and over and over again until I can do it right.
At Sonic, you can't say okay can you let me lake Cherry Limeade Slushes over and over in a row until I get it right? Because guess what, FAST food needs to be FAST! I just have never had to learn that way and it stresses me out and makes me feel extremely incompetent.
I want to get loans or scholarships and be a full time student so that I could possibly have a better chance at getting an on campus job doing something actually related to what I want to do.
I sound ungrateful but I don't want to. I LOVE the fact that I found a job! I love the people who hand a HUGE role in getting me that job, I have an income now, how can I complain? Which, when I think in those terms, makes me feel like even more of a horrible person. There are some people who would give anything to have my job so so that they can make a few bucks because they don't have ANY! I am so grateful, I just need to start looking for something more along the lines of what I can, need and want to do.
That's another thing I don't think a lot of people understand. With music, theater and the new addition of dance, I don't just like to do those things. I NEED to do those things. Not only is it a type of therapy, it's something that I feel like I can do well, really well. Whether others think I truly can or not is something I almost care nothing about! I want to Sing and Act and Dance over and over and over until that one person who doubted me believes. I need to sing and act and dance to relieve myself of the stress that builds up day after day. I have to sing and act and dance to keep my heart pumping and blood flowing. They aren't just things I do, they are who I am.
I feel stuck in a trap and I shouldn't. I need to be me. I need to sing for an audience. I need to act in a play and I need to dance to prove to myself that I can do it. No step, no matter how hard, will stop me.
I just don't know what to do, where to start. I feel lost. I want to fly, I want to SOAR but I am scared to try and that is the worst feeling a person could ever have.

The First Day of My Fast Food Life...

I started at Sonic today. (By the way everyone should frequent their local Sonic!) It was the craziest job I've ever had and pretty much the complete opposite of BGS3 where I sat on my tooshie and waited for the phone to ring. It was an awesome job and I'm not complaining about either one, after all, how can anyone complain about having a job in this economy? Not me, that's for sure. Anywho, I am going to complain about the pain coursing through my body. From the top of my head down to my toes I ache. I think that before I go to work again on Wednesday I will be taking Excedrin Back and Body. It's a great place, the pace just kind of throws you for a loop the first time you realize just how FAST you have to be.
There were really only a couple things that bugged me today. I was supposed to shadow one of the other girls to learn about everything. Well, when a carhop is on roller-blades it becomes somewhat hard to keep up with her everywhere she goes. The other thing was that the cook, who seemed really nice until I asked for something, didn't seem to like me much. (Which is fine, not everyone will like me but that's not what I mean.) She seemed like a really nice lady but whenever I asked her anything in English she would glare at me. I felt like I was doing something wrong when really all I was asking for was another Super Sonic Burrito that was missing from an order. She doesn't speak english and if she does then she doesn't like to speak english.
That sounds really "typical American" of me, but it's how I feel. I am thrilled about having a lot of Spanish speakers around me because, no doubt, I might just pick some up! How cool would that be? But I didn't appreciate the glares I got when I opened my mouth...ever. I even tried smiling at this woman and she would just glare...but...whatever I guess. I guess I'll just have to learn Spanish before she'll ever like me!
After I screwed up bagging a couple orders, which I got glared at for by my new BFF and my GM told me is normal for any newbie to mess up, I felt extremely embarrassed and stupid but he was kind and sent me to help out in the drive thru doing drinks. When I started on drinks (everything but Ice Cream) I felt okay. About an hour before I was going to be getting off my shift, I finally started to get the hang of making Slushies and remembering that a Limeade is NOT a slushie. All in all, by the end of the day, I felt like my head was going to pretty much POP! All I'd done was bag orders, prep bags, and make drinks! But I guess that's just how it is. It doesn't help that I start at Lunch and end when Happy Hour is over...but that'll be a good thing once I start Car-Hopping.
Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be working there in the Fall. Once I can get enough money to have more than 3 credit hours, I'll most likely get an on-campus job. It really makes me feel guilty because I don't' want to disappoint the people who deserve all the credit for getting me this job. They were more than wonderful and I don't want to make them think I'm a flake, it's just that an on campus job is, A-closer and B-they'll understand about classes and stuff like that. I mean they do at Sonic, but I don't want to feel like a burden to whomever has to make the schedule and I don't want to take an opportunity from a High School kid who can't have an "on-campus" job.
It's all a very hard and complicated decision but I know if I need help I can always go to the Lord. I just hope that it all works out.

You've Got Mail

For those of you who have never experienced the wonder that is "You've Got Mail" you are missing out on what could be a life changing movie. No, I don't mean to say that this movie will produce click-flick like occurrences in your life, I simply mean that this is one of those rare movies that can make you believe in Magic. The magic of love, or even of friendship. The magic that everything will be better if you let it all get better.
Magic. What a silly word, and yet, I believe in it.
Perhaps that is because I have had the rare opportunity to get to know someone via e-mails and chatting, like Joe Fox and Kathleen Kelly. Now, please understand that I have met this person more than once. He also wasn't a total and complete stranger. A good friend of mine has known him (and still did know him when she introduced us) and suggested that I get to know him. At the time he was living in Las Vegas, Nevada and I was living in Midwest City, Oklahoma. I was extremely weary about the whole situation but not long after that I was communicating with him on a regular basis. So please, don't judge. It's a harmless friendship, he's not an ax murderer or the roof-top killer! ;D
I don't want this whole thing to be misconstrued, however. This young man and I are not anything but best friends and there is nothing to suggest that he and I would ever turn out like Joe and Kathleen do. I only want to somehow express the connection I feel to that movie.
At this moment and for the next year and two months, my friend will be halfway around the world serving a Mission for the LDS Church in the Philippines. On his mission he is allowed to e-mail a certain amount of people each week. (Some missions only allow missionaries to e-mail family members.) I know what it's like each Monday morning to wake up, get ready for my 8:00 am class, eat breakfast and then rush to the computer. I wait as it slowly wakes up and connects (rather quickly but too slow for my taste) to the internet. My fingers pretty much fly across the keyboard typing in my user name and password and then I see it. The ever impatiently awaited e-mail from my best friend. To quote the movie "Mr. 152 insights into my soul!" lol. I don't often have time at that point to read my e-mail but it is enough to get me up the massively large hill to campus and through my Biology class, which, is actually a very wonderful class but on Monday mornings I'd rather be reading my e-mail.
Forgive me for thinking this, and maybe it is a bit...well, silly, but I think that I respect and adore and cherish the relationship with this friend more than any other because I got to know him before I saw him. I learned that he likes to laugh and have a good time but he also likes to relax and chill. I love my friend for WHO he is and not WHAT he is. You see, I met him, (in person that is) about a year after we'd started to get to know each other. Never once had we seen each other before (except for in pictures on our Myspaces) but it didn't matter. He didn't judge me and decide that he didn't like me anymore because I wasn't pretty enough or thin enough or tall enough or whatever enough. He already knew me and I already knew him. It's a precious and wonderful thing to know that you have a friend who really and truly does see YOU beyond all the flaws.
I don't want to sound unfair to the rest of my friends because they see the real me too, but this is different. If you were blind and met someone for the first time, your initial reaction would be different then if you could see. First impressions, though important, don't always dictate how two people will relate, or not, to one another.
I don't know if any of this is making much sense but I felt the need to write it all down. I guess what I hope to pass along in this hardly-read-by too-many-others blog of mine is to see beyond the mask. Very Beauty and The Beast of me, I know but I think it is one of the most important lessons we can learn in life. The most beautiful friendships can come from it. So here is my challenge to you, which I don't frequently do because I feel too weird about it most of the time, experiment. Take someone you might only partially know, someone you may have judged too quickly, and get to know them. Or meet someone new. If you look around you, you'll realize that there are a lot of people out there who are around you everyday that you've seen but never really noticed before. Try it! See what happens.