Reflection

I don't mean to be pessimistic or fish or compliments.

I think I just need to vent. 

I have realized lately that I am hard on myself. Harder than I should be, I think. 

Why?

Because there is never enough.

Never enough time, never enough money, never enough sleep...

I don't personally possess enough.

Never enough beauty, never enough smarts, never enough patience...

I feel as though it is my responsibility to fix that. 

I should be able to be super woman. Have a house, clean, sorted and folded laundry, the perfect smile, the best scheduling balancing act, a car that doesn't squeal and wake up the entire neighborhood, have (at least) a 3.8 GPA, and a job that brings in just the right amount of money.

Sometimes I look at my life and I assess where I am and where I feel that I should be. 

I often find myself consumed by my short comings and imperfections. I nitpick and compare and it all just makes me want to give up and cut myself off from it all, quit school, quit my job, hide out in my room and only talk to Neil. Ever. 

You have to understand that knowing and believing are completely different things. I may know that everything I just mentioned isn't true. I may know my worth is of a higher value but right now it is hard to belive the good things. Does that makes sense? It almost seems as though if I admit, in writing, that I am not always "with it" then the secret is out and I don't feel like I have to try so hard anymore. 

Sometimes I fa, made to feel as though I should be embarrassed that I'm not a size 2, 4.0 student/wife, with the perfect car and perfect house, and perfect family.

Sometimes I am made to feel as thiough I should be embarrassed because I have bad days and doubt myself.

Why do I feel like that? Honestly. I don't have an answer. Why do I, a woman who knows my great and individual worth, believe , at times, that I am "less than". 

At this point you're reading this and thinking, "But you have all of these marvelous things! How can you be so negative?!" How? Because I am human. I have my days of doubt and need that to be respected. Not fixed, not waved away like it's just a silly little tantrum. Why is it so hard for us humans to NOT try to fix something? Why can't people just vent without being made to feel guilty because someone else says, "Yeah, but you have so and so "and "at least you have this and that"? 

I understand that it is a helping mechanism. We want to make someone feel better.We want to fix, lift, cheer and support. To be honest though, sometimes it just makes me feel a bazillion times worse. 

I am not excusing myself or saying that I have never done this because that would be false. I am guilty of doing this, just a disclaimer.

I love you all, but sometimes, I just have crap-tastic days and that should be okay! It should be and it is! So there!

Ha, in pondering I realize, this is not really a post that "invites" comments. But if you would like to agree or disagree with me, that is fine. Just, please, no "fixing" comments?

Why My Husband Rocks

Neil is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I am blown away by his constant care of me. I love him and here are just a few reasons why. 

This is by no means a comprehensive list.

1. He always makes me breakfast and lunch
2. Neil is the most patient guy I know, he never gets mad
3. He'll call me to let me know when he's on his way home. 
4. He is a really great cook and he'll make dinner when I am feeling tired
5. He takes out the trash
6. I'm pretty sure he has done more laundry in our married life than I have
7. He snuggles me and helps me feel better on rough days
8. He has never failed to open the door for me, be it the car, or a building etc. 
9. He encourages me to break out of my shell and try new things
10. He humors my crazy ideas (craft kinds...)
11. Neil is the most trusting and humble man I know. He makes friends easily and is kind to everyone
12. He loves simplicity and wide open spaces
13. He watches chick flicks with me (like, You've Got Mail, Somewhere in Time, 13 Going on 30, Confessions of a Shopaholic etc.)
14. He can make me laugh and smile when nobody else can
15. Neil is a wonderful student. There are times that I see him buried in his homework that I know I would just give up but he doesn't.When he says he will do something, he does it and he does it well. 
16. He has taught me how to save money and become financially responsible
17. He loves the Lord. He loves the Gospel and the scriptures and is so good at leading our family in spiritual and temporal matters
18. He is my biggest fan.  
19. He understands that not everything is easy and that working hard is part of life. He is teaching me this more and more every day.  
20. He loves me for who I am and who I can become.

I Look To You

I Look To You

To the Mother with the unconsolable child who is tired and worn. 

I look to you. 

Not with annoyance but with admiration. 

Do not be embarrassed. 

To the Mother with piles of laundry lining her hallway, with no time to take care of it because she is entertaining her child. 

I look to you. 

Not with disgust but with respect. 

Do not feel ashamed. 

To the Wife who supports her husband while he embarks on receiving an education.

I look to you. 

Not with belittlement but with support. 

Do not feel inferior. 

To the Woman who feels alone and so desperately wants companionship.

I look to you. 

Not to diminish but to strengthen.

 Do not despair.

To the Woman who is a student and has two jobs simply so she can support herself.

I look to you. 

Not with haughty pride but with encouragement.

Do not give up. 

To the Woman who is learning what pregnancy is like with all it's highs and lows. 

I look to you. 

Not with envy but with hope. 

Do not hide. 

To the Woman who is tired.

To the Woman who is ready to quit.

To the Woman who cannot see the good qualities she possesses.

To the Woman who does not feel that she has a friend in this world. 

To the Woman who is unsure of herself. 

I look to you. 

I look with eyes that see someone who is bigger, stronger and smarter than she can ever comprehend. I look with eyes that are young and unlearned that see your experiences as a chance to learn.

I see you for who you are and who you can become.

I look to you.