Too Tight

I think I have a problem.
That's the first step, right? Admitting that you have a problem?
I've noticed it about myself and quite frankly, it makes me sick. It's not a very pleasing quality, at least, not in my eyes.
From this point on I will try to describe, best I know how, to explain to all of you brave readers about my "problem". I do hope you will forgive any nonsensical sentences or attempted explanations.
*Deep Breath*
Here goes.
I hold on to people too tightly. Not in the literal sense, of course, but in the relationship sense. It's not always with everyone, just with people who I have really bizarre connections with. Bizarre in a good way. There have been very few people in my life who meet me and just straight out get me. They understand why I talk the way I do, why I say the things I do, why I react to situations the way I do...they just understand me. And that's before they really know me. THEN comes the all night long conversation, the opening up and spilling deep and troubling past experiences, the full on "I trust you and can't help it" way of thinking. And let me just say that trusting people is hard...really hard for me.
After awhile, the fear kicks in. "Should I really trust them? They haven't done anything not to deserve my trust but should I trust them as much as I do? Do they really want to be around me so much? Why do we hang out so much? Am I a fall-back plan? Am I really all that important to them? Am I as important to them as they are to me? But does it matter? I am comfortable around them, I can be myself around them, I am...me. For once in a long time, I can be me. But are they really okay with 'me' still?" All of these stupid questions build up...and keep building until finally I am so annoyed with the constant battle within that I want to run away from myself. Which can only mean that I am definitely annoying the other person. In fact, by this point I know that the other person is, even if they weren't before. It's a vicious cycle that sucks me down and I know why.
Growing up, kids can be mean. Especially when you aren't necessarily the Belle of The Ball. And that stupid saying..."Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me..." Yeah, well, sorry for all of you who have been able to heal from the brusing of sticks and stones and have 100% happy, selfdoubtless lives, but words do hurt. Whoever said "The pen is mightier than the sword," sure did know what he was talking about.
Everyday I wake up and know that I am blessed to have good friends and a wonderful family and I look for the "good" in the day. I try to be as happy as I can be but eventually the facade has to crack. And it does. Every now and then. I think today, though, it's crumbling and I'm feeling all to vulnerable. I'm reading WAY too into stupid little things and they are bothering me. It's a good thing I only have half a day of work because I don't think I can keep it together for more than a couple more hours.
I'm not sure I've conveyed, my frustranger (yes, that is a new word that I just made up.) but I know that if I keep writing I'm just going to keep thinking about it which won't help. I guess it won't matter, I still want to run away from myself but what can I do? Deal with it, I suppose.

Out of Nowhere.

Have you ever experienced those times when someone or something you didn't know you needed just popped into your life out of nowhere? Because as of late, it has happened to me.
I've been so blessed by this individual and I never even knew I needed what's been offered! For example, I have liked a young man in my ward for some time now and so I did the gutsiest thing I've ever done in my life and asked him out. (P.S.-I wanted to hurl the whole time because it was terrifying...) Anyway, he said yes so no worries, right? Hmm, not so much. There is another girl in the ward who likes him too and like every other situation in my life, he likes her back. So anyway, this could have easily been a very upsetting situation if not for my new friend. He was the one who was proud of me, and I mean REALLY proud of me for asking him out. When I told him of the situation, he was the one who helped me to realize that no matter what I did something I'd never done before and if I wasn't the one that this guy picked then A-Oh well, his loss (direct quote) B-It's not worth it and C-It's not the end of the world. Honestly, I can tell everyone reading this that it's not. I'll live and I'm perfectly happy! REALLY! It's so bizarre!
On top of helping me realize that I'm worth more than I ever could've imagined, he holds his standards high, making me reassess my own. What I've never actually FELT before is how someone can see and know the best in me and expect me to be that but if I fail they are there to help me start over again, not scold me or judge me. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to be that for someone else. I never thought in all my life someone like him could just come out of nowhere and be exactly what I needed. What I need. The Lord has truly blessed me...so much.

Mistakes.

Every single person in the world makes mistakes. You can claim to be perfect and fault free all you want but you aren't. No one is. That's just life. Which is fine. Or should be.
I'm just a little agitated, is all. I am human, which by default means that I make mistakes. And this is me we're talking about here so I make mistakes on top of being clumsy. Anyway, something has happened today that I am very very irritated about.
Earlier in the day, I was reprimanded. That's fine. I made a mistake and owned up to it, therefor it's only right that I be reprimanded for it. Yeah, well, pretend the following situation (which is not what happened to me but is equally as ridiculous.)
Situation: You get up to go get a drink from the kitchen after working long and hard on an essay or whatever. Anyway, you know that you should plug your computer into its power source but you think you'll be fine in the few seconds it takes to get a glass of water. Unfortunately that isn't the case. When you get back you find that your computer is dead and you can't remember if you saved that draft or not. STOP. Okay, right here is where most people's heart would skip a beat or stop all together. CONTINUE So frantically you fumble for the power cord and wait impatiently for your computer to re-upload and all that jazz. As soon as you are able to get back into that Word document you are there and to your RELIEF the wonderful piece of technology that is in you lap had "Auto-Recovered" your work. Hallelujah.
Okay, so like I mentioned earlier. You made the mistake of not plugging in your computer when you should've but miracles or miracles, it recovered itself. For anyone to be mad at you for not plugging in the computer on time is in a way, right. Especially if it was their essay or whatever. But because of the self back up system it shouldn't be a bigger deal for more than a few moments. My point is that no ones mistakes should be aired and re-aired and re-re-aired and rubbed in the persons face over and over and over again. It's not fair and quite frankly not nice. No matter who you are you should chill out and realize that people make mistakes.
In my situation I forgot to do something. Something that has a backup system to it. That's not any kind of justificationfor myself, no, but it would've been okay. But of course there was no mercy from my superior. I was treated like I just murdered someone. I was reprimanded (yet again, fair...) and then whenever someone came in or left..."Don't forget to do such and such which Caitlin forgets to do." Or "Hey, you did such and such right? Because you don't want to be as forgetful as Caitlin." It's rubbed in my face over and over again and I'm upset about it. I already know that I'm really imperfect but is it really necessary to make mention of my imperfections to ever single person in the office? Personally I think not but my superior finds it absolutely hilarious. For me it's plain humiliating and degrading. But what can I do? Ha. Nothing but write a stupid blog and be upset about it and ignore my superior as much as possible, drawing as little attention to myself as possible. UHG....that's my rant for the day.