Dear Friend

The world is harsh, it lies, it lies
But you're not lost to life.
There are those here who care, dear friend
The tide will soon release you.

Hold onto the sun, it shines, it shines
For those lost on their way.
You're never to far gone, dear friend
The light will always guide you.

My ears are here, they listen, they listen
For your words of sorrow.
And nothing you could say, dear friend
Will vanish me tomorrow.

My arms are here, they comfort, they comfort
If you will only let them.
For darkness is unkind, dear friend
But you are never alone.

My heart is here, it hurts, it hurts
With every pain you're feeling.
It slows, it quickens, it beats, dear friend
For the life that you are living.

The world is harsh, it lies, it lies
But you're not lost to life.
For I am here and care, dear friend
My love will never release you.

There's No Place Like Home.

Though the past weekend was quite busy I did get to spend it at home. Not here in Provo. Although my five day trip was shortened to a four day trip, I still got to go home. Although I had to come back to Provo, back to the boring thing known as my life, I did get to have a vacation at HOME! It was wonderful. I got to spend some time with my family and my friends. I couldn't have asked for a better vacation. Okay, that one day more would've been nice but I can't change that. (My flight home on Thursday was cancelled because DFW, my layover airport, was basically shut down due to the storms.) Anyway, it was nice just to dip my toes in the calm(ish) waters of home for a bit. I was able to go back to my roots and remember where I came from and who I can be. Being out here and trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life is pretty scary. Especially because I have to do it on my own. But I have a renewed sense of purpose. I still don't know what I'm doing with my life but I know, in a general sense, what I want to do. It's crazy and confusing and sometimes when other people that you have daily interaction with don't understand why you're doing what you're doing, it makes it worse. But here's what I say to them. You aren't me. I know what I can handle and I have my own personal standards on top of those that I was raised with. Not yours. Don't try to push yours on me. It doesn't make you look very good. In fact, it's annoying and ugly. If you can't embrace the small changes that I'm going through, how can you expect yourself to grow and become a mature person? There are numerous people who these statements are aimed at but over all, I'm going to do what's best for me, what I've decided with the Lord's help, is the path I need to take. You take yours and I'll take mine.
That was something I discovered while at home. That I am me and though others may not like that I'm mature, that I've grown and changed a little because I know more people and have learned from their lives, I can't change who the Lord wants me to be. And that is His Daughter. And you know what? I NEVER would want to change that. I know who I am. Do you? I'm comfortable with change. Are you? Nobody can dictate how you are supposed to act, what you should say or who you should be but you. Don't try to do it for anyone else. (Unless you are a parent...if you are you know what I mean...) We are agents unto ourselves. Our duty is to love others despite their struggles, despite their faults, despite their past. If I may quote Moulin Rouge, "The greatest gift you'll ever learn, if just to love and be loved in return."

Time for a Change.

Yes, it is time for a change. Lately I have been so wrapped up in work that I haven't really spent much time elsewhere. BUT I have decided that that is going to change. Starting today! You see, I wake up usually around 10 but I don't have to leave for work until 12 (noon). I work from 1 until 8:30 and then either go to a friend's house or come home and hang out for a bit and then go to bed. Where do my chores come in? No idea. They get done, it's just that I don't know how exactly The thing that bugs me the most is that I haven't been able to write anything for my book in about 4 months. Gross. I've had so many ideas flowing through me but no program on my computer to write them in! AHH! So now I have random pages in with scenes, ideas, and descriptions that need to be used and no home for them...at the moment anyway. I've decided, however, that I am going to buy the needed program so that I may write. It's a need that I can't explain. If you have characters screaming at you to get their story out and finished, maybe you'd be determined to do so too. It's hard to understand if it's not happening to you. Just trust me when I say that it's amazingly bizarre. Things will change! I pledge that to my characters...I kind of have to.

Too Tight

I think I have a problem.
That's the first step, right? Admitting that you have a problem?
I've noticed it about myself and quite frankly, it makes me sick. It's not a very pleasing quality, at least, not in my eyes.
From this point on I will try to describe, best I know how, to explain to all of you brave readers about my "problem". I do hope you will forgive any nonsensical sentences or attempted explanations.
*Deep Breath*
Here goes.
I hold on to people too tightly. Not in the literal sense, of course, but in the relationship sense. It's not always with everyone, just with people who I have really bizarre connections with. Bizarre in a good way. There have been very few people in my life who meet me and just straight out get me. They understand why I talk the way I do, why I say the things I do, why I react to situations the way I do...they just understand me. And that's before they really know me. THEN comes the all night long conversation, the opening up and spilling deep and troubling past experiences, the full on "I trust you and can't help it" way of thinking. And let me just say that trusting people is hard...really hard for me.
After awhile, the fear kicks in. "Should I really trust them? They haven't done anything not to deserve my trust but should I trust them as much as I do? Do they really want to be around me so much? Why do we hang out so much? Am I a fall-back plan? Am I really all that important to them? Am I as important to them as they are to me? But does it matter? I am comfortable around them, I can be myself around them, I am...me. For once in a long time, I can be me. But are they really okay with 'me' still?" All of these stupid questions build up...and keep building until finally I am so annoyed with the constant battle within that I want to run away from myself. Which can only mean that I am definitely annoying the other person. In fact, by this point I know that the other person is, even if they weren't before. It's a vicious cycle that sucks me down and I know why.
Growing up, kids can be mean. Especially when you aren't necessarily the Belle of The Ball. And that stupid saying..."Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me..." Yeah, well, sorry for all of you who have been able to heal from the brusing of sticks and stones and have 100% happy, selfdoubtless lives, but words do hurt. Whoever said "The pen is mightier than the sword," sure did know what he was talking about.
Everyday I wake up and know that I am blessed to have good friends and a wonderful family and I look for the "good" in the day. I try to be as happy as I can be but eventually the facade has to crack. And it does. Every now and then. I think today, though, it's crumbling and I'm feeling all to vulnerable. I'm reading WAY too into stupid little things and they are bothering me. It's a good thing I only have half a day of work because I don't think I can keep it together for more than a couple more hours.
I'm not sure I've conveyed, my frustranger (yes, that is a new word that I just made up.) but I know that if I keep writing I'm just going to keep thinking about it which won't help. I guess it won't matter, I still want to run away from myself but what can I do? Deal with it, I suppose.

Out of Nowhere.

Have you ever experienced those times when someone or something you didn't know you needed just popped into your life out of nowhere? Because as of late, it has happened to me.
I've been so blessed by this individual and I never even knew I needed what's been offered! For example, I have liked a young man in my ward for some time now and so I did the gutsiest thing I've ever done in my life and asked him out. (P.S.-I wanted to hurl the whole time because it was terrifying...) Anyway, he said yes so no worries, right? Hmm, not so much. There is another girl in the ward who likes him too and like every other situation in my life, he likes her back. So anyway, this could have easily been a very upsetting situation if not for my new friend. He was the one who was proud of me, and I mean REALLY proud of me for asking him out. When I told him of the situation, he was the one who helped me to realize that no matter what I did something I'd never done before and if I wasn't the one that this guy picked then A-Oh well, his loss (direct quote) B-It's not worth it and C-It's not the end of the world. Honestly, I can tell everyone reading this that it's not. I'll live and I'm perfectly happy! REALLY! It's so bizarre!
On top of helping me realize that I'm worth more than I ever could've imagined, he holds his standards high, making me reassess my own. What I've never actually FELT before is how someone can see and know the best in me and expect me to be that but if I fail they are there to help me start over again, not scold me or judge me. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to be that for someone else. I never thought in all my life someone like him could just come out of nowhere and be exactly what I needed. What I need. The Lord has truly blessed me...so much.

Mistakes.

Every single person in the world makes mistakes. You can claim to be perfect and fault free all you want but you aren't. No one is. That's just life. Which is fine. Or should be.
I'm just a little agitated, is all. I am human, which by default means that I make mistakes. And this is me we're talking about here so I make mistakes on top of being clumsy. Anyway, something has happened today that I am very very irritated about.
Earlier in the day, I was reprimanded. That's fine. I made a mistake and owned up to it, therefor it's only right that I be reprimanded for it. Yeah, well, pretend the following situation (which is not what happened to me but is equally as ridiculous.)
Situation: You get up to go get a drink from the kitchen after working long and hard on an essay or whatever. Anyway, you know that you should plug your computer into its power source but you think you'll be fine in the few seconds it takes to get a glass of water. Unfortunately that isn't the case. When you get back you find that your computer is dead and you can't remember if you saved that draft or not. STOP. Okay, right here is where most people's heart would skip a beat or stop all together. CONTINUE So frantically you fumble for the power cord and wait impatiently for your computer to re-upload and all that jazz. As soon as you are able to get back into that Word document you are there and to your RELIEF the wonderful piece of technology that is in you lap had "Auto-Recovered" your work. Hallelujah.
Okay, so like I mentioned earlier. You made the mistake of not plugging in your computer when you should've but miracles or miracles, it recovered itself. For anyone to be mad at you for not plugging in the computer on time is in a way, right. Especially if it was their essay or whatever. But because of the self back up system it shouldn't be a bigger deal for more than a few moments. My point is that no ones mistakes should be aired and re-aired and re-re-aired and rubbed in the persons face over and over and over again. It's not fair and quite frankly not nice. No matter who you are you should chill out and realize that people make mistakes.
In my situation I forgot to do something. Something that has a backup system to it. That's not any kind of justificationfor myself, no, but it would've been okay. But of course there was no mercy from my superior. I was treated like I just murdered someone. I was reprimanded (yet again, fair...) and then whenever someone came in or left..."Don't forget to do such and such which Caitlin forgets to do." Or "Hey, you did such and such right? Because you don't want to be as forgetful as Caitlin." It's rubbed in my face over and over again and I'm upset about it. I already know that I'm really imperfect but is it really necessary to make mention of my imperfections to ever single person in the office? Personally I think not but my superior finds it absolutely hilarious. For me it's plain humiliating and degrading. But what can I do? Ha. Nothing but write a stupid blog and be upset about it and ignore my superior as much as possible, drawing as little attention to myself as possible. UHG....that's my rant for the day.

Wheels On The Bus Go Round and Round

When I woke up today I decided that I would make myself have a good day. After all it is a decision that each of us make, to be happy, and I decided to make it. Anyway, I prepared myself for the day: showering, picking out what to wear, eating breakfast, all that jazz, and then I headed out for the bus.
Now some of the people that I have daily contact with know how much I detest having to go to the bus stop an hour and a half before my scheduled time to work. It drives me insane but because 99% of the time the buses aren't on time, it's kind of mandatory. Well, surprise of all surprises, both of my buses were on time today. Which resulted in me being forty minutes early to work. That was a bit odd, but no big deal really, I just played Solitaire until I could clock in.
Rewinding back to bus one. When I got on the bus this morning, I was delightfully surprised by dozens of little kindergardeners. My guess is that they were headed up to BYU to take a tour or see a play or something but theses little kids (with the supervision on their teachers and some parents) talked about how cool the bus was and how excited they were to go to BYU. In fact, when we got close enough to see building, one little boy squealed, "Look! I see it! It's a Y!" I couldn't help but smile. These kids were very well behaved and so cute. It was just a little something that made my day start on a nicer foot.
Of course, I could only take a bit of that happiness with me when they all exited the bus at the BYU stop but just that little bit is enough for now.
It's nice to have a pocketful of happiness when you're trying to have a good day. When you've decided to have a good day. Why? Because the adversary will stop at nothing to ensure that you don't have a good day. When you have a pocketfull of happiness, you can tap into it when the little things start to pile up into big ones. Just remember that.