I think I have a problem.
That's the first step, right? Admitting that you have a problem?
I've noticed it about myself and quite frankly, it makes me sick. It's not a very pleasing quality, at least, not in my eyes.
From this point on I will try to describe, best I know how, to explain to all of you brave readers about my "problem". I do hope you will forgive any nonsensical sentences or attempted explanations.
*Deep Breath*
Here goes.
I hold on to people too tightly. Not in the literal sense, of course, but in the relationship sense. It's not always with everyone, just with people who I have really bizarre connections with. Bizarre in a good way. There have been very few people in my life who meet me and just straight out get me. They understand why I talk the way I do, why I say the things I do, why I react to situations the way I do...they just understand me. And that's before they really know me. THEN comes the all night long conversation, the opening up and spilling deep and troubling past experiences, the full on "I trust you and can't help it" way of thinking. And let me just say that trusting people is hard...really hard for me.
After awhile, the fear kicks in. "Should I really trust them? They haven't done anything not to deserve my trust but should I trust them as much as I do? Do they really want to be around me so much? Why do we hang out so much? Am I a fall-back plan? Am I really all that important to them? Am I as important to them as they are to me? But does it matter? I am comfortable around them, I can be myself around them, I am...me. For once in a long time, I can be me. But are they really okay with 'me' still?" All of these stupid questions build up...and keep building until finally I am so annoyed with the constant battle within that I want to run away from myself. Which can only mean that I am definitely annoying the other person. In fact, by this point I know that the other person is, even if they weren't before. It's a vicious cycle that sucks me down and I know why.
Growing up, kids can be mean. Especially when you aren't necessarily the Belle of The Ball. And that stupid saying..."Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me..." Yeah, well, sorry for all of you who have been able to heal from the brusing of sticks and stones and have 100% happy, selfdoubtless lives, but words do hurt. Whoever said "The pen is mightier than the sword," sure did know what he was talking about.
Everyday I wake up and know that I am blessed to have good friends and a wonderful family and I look for the "good" in the day. I try to be as happy as I can be but eventually the facade has to crack. And it does. Every now and then. I think today, though, it's crumbling and I'm feeling all to vulnerable. I'm reading WAY too into stupid little things and they are bothering me. It's a good thing I only have half a day of work because I don't think I can keep it together for more than a couple more hours.
I'm not sure I've conveyed, my frustranger (yes, that is a new word that I just made up.) but I know that if I keep writing I'm just going to keep thinking about it which won't help. I guess it won't matter, I still want to run away from myself but what can I do? Deal with it, I suppose.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Out of Nowhere.
Have you ever experienced those times when someone or something you didn't know you needed just popped into your life out of nowhere? Because as of late, it has happened to me.
I've been so blessed by this individual and I never even knew I needed what's been offered! For example, I have liked a young man in my ward for some time now and so I did the gutsiest thing I've ever done in my life and asked him out. (P.S.-I wanted to hurl the whole time because it was terrifying...) Anyway, he said yes so no worries, right? Hmm, not so much. There is another girl in the ward who likes him too and like every other situation in my life, he likes her back. So anyway, this could have easily been a very upsetting situation if not for my new friend. He was the one who was proud of me, and I mean REALLY proud of me for asking him out. When I told him of the situation, he was the one who helped me to realize that no matter what I did something I'd never done before and if I wasn't the one that this guy picked then A-Oh well, his loss (direct quote) B-It's not worth it and C-It's not the end of the world. Honestly, I can tell everyone reading this that it's not. I'll live and I'm perfectly happy! REALLY! It's so bizarre!
On top of helping me realize that I'm worth more than I ever could've imagined, he holds his standards high, making me reassess my own. What I've never actually FELT before is how someone can see and know the best in me and expect me to be that but if I fail they are there to help me start over again, not scold me or judge me. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to be that for someone else. I never thought in all my life someone like him could just come out of nowhere and be exactly what I needed. What I need. The Lord has truly blessed me...so much.
I've been so blessed by this individual and I never even knew I needed what's been offered! For example, I have liked a young man in my ward for some time now and so I did the gutsiest thing I've ever done in my life and asked him out. (P.S.-I wanted to hurl the whole time because it was terrifying...) Anyway, he said yes so no worries, right? Hmm, not so much. There is another girl in the ward who likes him too and like every other situation in my life, he likes her back. So anyway, this could have easily been a very upsetting situation if not for my new friend. He was the one who was proud of me, and I mean REALLY proud of me for asking him out. When I told him of the situation, he was the one who helped me to realize that no matter what I did something I'd never done before and if I wasn't the one that this guy picked then A-Oh well, his loss (direct quote) B-It's not worth it and C-It's not the end of the world. Honestly, I can tell everyone reading this that it's not. I'll live and I'm perfectly happy! REALLY! It's so bizarre!
On top of helping me realize that I'm worth more than I ever could've imagined, he holds his standards high, making me reassess my own. What I've never actually FELT before is how someone can see and know the best in me and expect me to be that but if I fail they are there to help me start over again, not scold me or judge me. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to be that for someone else. I never thought in all my life someone like him could just come out of nowhere and be exactly what I needed. What I need. The Lord has truly blessed me...so much.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Mistakes.
Every single person in the world makes mistakes. You can claim to be perfect and fault free all you want but you aren't. No one is. That's just life. Which is fine. Or should be.
I'm just a little agitated, is all. I am human, which by default means that I make mistakes. And this is me we're talking about here so I make mistakes on top of being clumsy. Anyway, something has happened today that I am very very irritated about.
Earlier in the day, I was reprimanded. That's fine. I made a mistake and owned up to it, therefor it's only right that I be reprimanded for it. Yeah, well, pretend the following situation (which is not what happened to me but is equally as ridiculous.)
Situation: You get up to go get a drink from the kitchen after working long and hard on an essay or whatever. Anyway, you know that you should plug your computer into its power source but you think you'll be fine in the few seconds it takes to get a glass of water. Unfortunately that isn't the case. When you get back you find that your computer is dead and you can't remember if you saved that draft or not. STOP. Okay, right here is where most people's heart would skip a beat or stop all together. CONTINUE So frantically you fumble for the power cord and wait impatiently for your computer to re-upload and all that jazz. As soon as you are able to get back into that Word document you are there and to your RELIEF the wonderful piece of technology that is in you lap had "Auto-Recovered" your work. Hallelujah.
Okay, so like I mentioned earlier. You made the mistake of not plugging in your computer when you should've but miracles or miracles, it recovered itself. For anyone to be mad at you for not plugging in the computer on time is in a way, right. Especially if it was their essay or whatever. But because of the self back up system it shouldn't be a bigger deal for more than a few moments. My point is that no ones mistakes should be aired and re-aired and re-re-aired and rubbed in the persons face over and over and over again. It's not fair and quite frankly not nice. No matter who you are you should chill out and realize that people make mistakes.
In my situation I forgot to do something. Something that has a backup system to it. That's not any kind of justificationfor myself, no, but it would've been okay. But of course there was no mercy from my superior. I was treated like I just murdered someone. I was reprimanded (yet again, fair...) and then whenever someone came in or left..."Don't forget to do such and such which Caitlin forgets to do." Or "Hey, you did such and such right? Because you don't want to be as forgetful as Caitlin." It's rubbed in my face over and over again and I'm upset about it. I already know that I'm really imperfect but is it really necessary to make mention of my imperfections to ever single person in the office? Personally I think not but my superior finds it absolutely hilarious. For me it's plain humiliating and degrading. But what can I do? Ha. Nothing but write a stupid blog and be upset about it and ignore my superior as much as possible, drawing as little attention to myself as possible. UHG....that's my rant for the day.
I'm just a little agitated, is all. I am human, which by default means that I make mistakes. And this is me we're talking about here so I make mistakes on top of being clumsy. Anyway, something has happened today that I am very very irritated about.
Earlier in the day, I was reprimanded. That's fine. I made a mistake and owned up to it, therefor it's only right that I be reprimanded for it. Yeah, well, pretend the following situation (which is not what happened to me but is equally as ridiculous.)
Situation: You get up to go get a drink from the kitchen after working long and hard on an essay or whatever. Anyway, you know that you should plug your computer into its power source but you think you'll be fine in the few seconds it takes to get a glass of water. Unfortunately that isn't the case. When you get back you find that your computer is dead and you can't remember if you saved that draft or not. STOP. Okay, right here is where most people's heart would skip a beat or stop all together. CONTINUE So frantically you fumble for the power cord and wait impatiently for your computer to re-upload and all that jazz. As soon as you are able to get back into that Word document you are there and to your RELIEF the wonderful piece of technology that is in you lap had "Auto-Recovered" your work. Hallelujah.
Okay, so like I mentioned earlier. You made the mistake of not plugging in your computer when you should've but miracles or miracles, it recovered itself. For anyone to be mad at you for not plugging in the computer on time is in a way, right. Especially if it was their essay or whatever. But because of the self back up system it shouldn't be a bigger deal for more than a few moments. My point is that no ones mistakes should be aired and re-aired and re-re-aired and rubbed in the persons face over and over and over again. It's not fair and quite frankly not nice. No matter who you are you should chill out and realize that people make mistakes.
In my situation I forgot to do something. Something that has a backup system to it. That's not any kind of justificationfor myself, no, but it would've been okay. But of course there was no mercy from my superior. I was treated like I just murdered someone. I was reprimanded (yet again, fair...) and then whenever someone came in or left..."Don't forget to do such and such which Caitlin forgets to do." Or "Hey, you did such and such right? Because you don't want to be as forgetful as Caitlin." It's rubbed in my face over and over again and I'm upset about it. I already know that I'm really imperfect but is it really necessary to make mention of my imperfections to ever single person in the office? Personally I think not but my superior finds it absolutely hilarious. For me it's plain humiliating and degrading. But what can I do? Ha. Nothing but write a stupid blog and be upset about it and ignore my superior as much as possible, drawing as little attention to myself as possible. UHG....that's my rant for the day.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Wheels On The Bus Go Round and Round
When I woke up today I decided that I would make myself have a good day. After all it is a decision that each of us make, to be happy, and I decided to make it. Anyway, I prepared myself for the day: showering, picking out what to wear, eating breakfast, all that jazz, and then I headed out for the bus.
Now some of the people that I have daily contact with know how much I detest having to go to the bus stop an hour and a half before my scheduled time to work. It drives me insane but because 99% of the time the buses aren't on time, it's kind of mandatory. Well, surprise of all surprises, both of my buses were on time today. Which resulted in me being forty minutes early to work. That was a bit odd, but no big deal really, I just played Solitaire until I could clock in.
Rewinding back to bus one. When I got on the bus this morning, I was delightfully surprised by dozens of little kindergardeners. My guess is that they were headed up to BYU to take a tour or see a play or something but theses little kids (with the supervision on their teachers and some parents) talked about how cool the bus was and how excited they were to go to BYU. In fact, when we got close enough to see building, one little boy squealed, "Look! I see it! It's a Y!" I couldn't help but smile. These kids were very well behaved and so cute. It was just a little something that made my day start on a nicer foot.
Of course, I could only take a bit of that happiness with me when they all exited the bus at the BYU stop but just that little bit is enough for now.
It's nice to have a pocketful of happiness when you're trying to have a good day. When you've decided to have a good day. Why? Because the adversary will stop at nothing to ensure that you don't have a good day. When you have a pocketfull of happiness, you can tap into it when the little things start to pile up into big ones. Just remember that.
Now some of the people that I have daily contact with know how much I detest having to go to the bus stop an hour and a half before my scheduled time to work. It drives me insane but because 99% of the time the buses aren't on time, it's kind of mandatory. Well, surprise of all surprises, both of my buses were on time today. Which resulted in me being forty minutes early to work. That was a bit odd, but no big deal really, I just played Solitaire until I could clock in.
Rewinding back to bus one. When I got on the bus this morning, I was delightfully surprised by dozens of little kindergardeners. My guess is that they were headed up to BYU to take a tour or see a play or something but theses little kids (with the supervision on their teachers and some parents) talked about how cool the bus was and how excited they were to go to BYU. In fact, when we got close enough to see building, one little boy squealed, "Look! I see it! It's a Y!" I couldn't help but smile. These kids were very well behaved and so cute. It was just a little something that made my day start on a nicer foot.
Of course, I could only take a bit of that happiness with me when they all exited the bus at the BYU stop but just that little bit is enough for now.
It's nice to have a pocketful of happiness when you're trying to have a good day. When you've decided to have a good day. Why? Because the adversary will stop at nothing to ensure that you don't have a good day. When you have a pocketfull of happiness, you can tap into it when the little things start to pile up into big ones. Just remember that.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Bittersweet Goodbyes
Well, it's that time. The end of the normal school year. Yes, the Spring and Summer terms still remain and I know they'll be fun but it's weird having the people around you leave. Usually I'm the one doing the leaving.
I know college is full of those common comings and goings and I know that I'll probably have a few different roommates but let me just say that I couldn't have asked for a better first semester. I will never forget the crazy, sad, angry, weird, fun, happy, and just plain wonderful times I've had this first semester. I love my roommates to death. They really do raise me up. I would also like to mention those friends that surprise you. There's never a dull moment with them and while sometimes you wonder if the two of you really are friends, you know there's no escaping the truth. I'm going to miss you a lot Dan. I know we've had our times but you mean a lot to me. I wish you the absolute best!Anyway, this is just a little video I made tonight...It means a lot to me. I hope you can feel how much I feel for these girls.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
What A Difference Nice People Make...
I've started my new job here at Vision Security and let me just say that I love it. I'm being trained by an awesome girl, Aubrey, who has so much patience with me. We've been doing calls over and over again and she doesn't expect me to get it all right on the first try. As scary as it is (scary because I just don't want to mess up) I'm having so much fun. Blake, another trainee is really awesome to.It's basically just a fun and relaxed atmosphere where work and fun become one word...like...Wun or Fork...haha. It's fabulous and I LOVE IT! Have I mentioned that?
Anyway, I am having a lot of fun. My boss, Scott, rocks. I feel like I can approach him when I need to. Which is something I've never really experienced with previous bosses. I just can't get over the wonderful feeling that working here brings! Cheesy, I know, but I really like it. A lot. And I have a feeling that this summer is going to ROCK! I am very excited.
Anyway, I am having a lot of fun. My boss, Scott, rocks. I feel like I can approach him when I need to. Which is something I've never really experienced with previous bosses. I just can't get over the wonderful feeling that working here brings! Cheesy, I know, but I really like it. A lot. And I have a feeling that this summer is going to ROCK! I am very excited.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Words, The Spirit and Lion House Bread
What are words? Letters that we throw together to form meaning. Then there are sentences, what silly little things. We throw those newly formed words together to make a sentence which usually has a meaning, whether sad, happy, apologetic, angry, nervous or other. If we're intelligent enough, we take those tricky little sentences and smoosh them together to create paragraphs which could become short stories, Biology Essays, Novels, newspaper articles, and other such intelligent creations.
I am one is who is not abnormally gifted with words. I can't beautifully orchestrate a symphony of words as well as most. This will be the second, and I'm sure not last, reference to "You've Got Mail." In that movie the main character, Kathleen Kelly, states that she wishes that when confronted with an irritating situation she could say exactly what she wanted and how she wanted to exactly when she wanted to. Unfortunately I tend to fall into this category, at least with intelligent things that I wish I could say, when I wanted to say them. It's not the most enjoyable trait to behold, if anything it traps me in the "Wow, I sound like an idiot..." category. What can I say? (No pun intended.)
Anyway, moving on, I wanted to expound on the phenomena that is General Conference. I was blessed enough to be able to attend both Sunday A.M and P.M sessions. For the A.M session, I stood in the stand-by line with my dear dear friend Ellen. I love her to itsy bitsy pieces, she's amazing. So we stood in the somewhat cold air for about an hour and a half and then when we finally started moving, I think my body forgot my feet existed. A word to the wise, DO NOT and I repeat, DO NOT wear stiletto shoes to conference. Suck it up and wear the comfortable shoes, trust me. I should've known...Moving on, we actually had tickets for the second session. It was great, we were only about 30 rows from the front! Far enough away that I wasn't in perfect sight of them but close enough that I didn't have to squint or watch any of the screens. It was wonderful and I must admit that I suggest everyone takes the opportunity to actually go to General Conference, but you can feel the same Spirit anywhere you listen to it, so long as you actually listen. It was just amazing and I don't think I've ever gotten so much out of conference before. For those of you who have made it this far through the blog and are wondering, "Well, who was your favorite speaker!?" my answer is Elder Jeffery R. Holland. That man is an Apostle of the Lord without a doubt. I understand the Atonement much more than I have before and I know that it is true. I really enjoy whenever President Monson speaks though, because I feel as though I'm listening to an endearing and guiding grandfather. There is so much love from the General Authorities...you can't deny it! And if I can feel that loved by them, I can't imagine the overwhelming love that the Lord has for me!
Salt Lake City. What a place. Don't think I'd ever want to live there exactly but Temple Square is so beautiful. Especially after conference because they've planted a lot of flowers and such. I had the opportunity today to go again! Ellen, who came to visit for Conference, all the way from My Ol' Kentucky Home and Paul (another friend who's home is Everywhere, USA and China) and myself all took off after my class this morning and walked around for awhile before Ellen's flight. Though I've seen Temple Square and I've been able to experience the things you do at Temple Square, I got to do it a second time with a new bunch of people. (Bunch apparently translates to two now...hm.) It was amazing. BUT! The thing I did this time, that I didn't get to do LAST time was get Lion House rolls. MMM MMM! Let me tell you know, that if you EVER go to Temple Square, EAT THE ROLLS! Haha, that sounds like..well, anyway... They are delectable. And then when you come home and heat them up? HOLY COW! YUM!
So basically my weekend was a bad (or good depending on your definition) episode of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly...but it happens and life goes on.
My last little bit...somewhat like a "P.S." is this: Home Teachers are seriously the most amazing idea ever. And mine rock my world. I am so grateful for their worthiness to hold the true priesthood of the Lord. To my Home Teachers, thank you for your patience. Thank you for your love and dedication. I love you both. You are amazing.
I am one is who is not abnormally gifted with words. I can't beautifully orchestrate a symphony of words as well as most. This will be the second, and I'm sure not last, reference to "You've Got Mail." In that movie the main character, Kathleen Kelly, states that she wishes that when confronted with an irritating situation she could say exactly what she wanted and how she wanted to exactly when she wanted to. Unfortunately I tend to fall into this category, at least with intelligent things that I wish I could say, when I wanted to say them. It's not the most enjoyable trait to behold, if anything it traps me in the "Wow, I sound like an idiot..." category. What can I say? (No pun intended.)
Anyway, moving on, I wanted to expound on the phenomena that is General Conference. I was blessed enough to be able to attend both Sunday A.M and P.M sessions. For the A.M session, I stood in the stand-by line with my dear dear friend Ellen. I love her to itsy bitsy pieces, she's amazing. So we stood in the somewhat cold air for about an hour and a half and then when we finally started moving, I think my body forgot my feet existed. A word to the wise, DO NOT and I repeat, DO NOT wear stiletto shoes to conference. Suck it up and wear the comfortable shoes, trust me. I should've known...Moving on, we actually had tickets for the second session. It was great, we were only about 30 rows from the front! Far enough away that I wasn't in perfect sight of them but close enough that I didn't have to squint or watch any of the screens. It was wonderful and I must admit that I suggest everyone takes the opportunity to actually go to General Conference, but you can feel the same Spirit anywhere you listen to it, so long as you actually listen. It was just amazing and I don't think I've ever gotten so much out of conference before. For those of you who have made it this far through the blog and are wondering, "Well, who was your favorite speaker!?" my answer is Elder Jeffery R. Holland. That man is an Apostle of the Lord without a doubt. I understand the Atonement much more than I have before and I know that it is true. I really enjoy whenever President Monson speaks though, because I feel as though I'm listening to an endearing and guiding grandfather. There is so much love from the General Authorities...you can't deny it! And if I can feel that loved by them, I can't imagine the overwhelming love that the Lord has for me!
Salt Lake City. What a place. Don't think I'd ever want to live there exactly but Temple Square is so beautiful. Especially after conference because they've planted a lot of flowers and such. I had the opportunity today to go again! Ellen, who came to visit for Conference, all the way from My Ol' Kentucky Home and Paul (another friend who's home is Everywhere, USA and China) and myself all took off after my class this morning and walked around for awhile before Ellen's flight. Though I've seen Temple Square and I've been able to experience the things you do at Temple Square, I got to do it a second time with a new bunch of people. (Bunch apparently translates to two now...hm.) It was amazing. BUT! The thing I did this time, that I didn't get to do LAST time was get Lion House rolls. MMM MMM! Let me tell you know, that if you EVER go to Temple Square, EAT THE ROLLS! Haha, that sounds like..well, anyway... They are delectable. And then when you come home and heat them up? HOLY COW! YUM!
So basically my weekend was a bad (or good depending on your definition) episode of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly...but it happens and life goes on.
My last little bit...somewhat like a "P.S." is this: Home Teachers are seriously the most amazing idea ever. And mine rock my world. I am so grateful for their worthiness to hold the true priesthood of the Lord. To my Home Teachers, thank you for your patience. Thank you for your love and dedication. I love you both. You are amazing.
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