A Silver Lining

So, this is one of those posts where I open up a little bit and emotionally vent. 

This week has been really rough for me. 

School is coming to a close so of course every professor has assigned a bazillion projects to be completed this week. School just isn't what I want to be doing right now. I'm not a big fan of classes that I "have" to take and yet I learn nothing from them. Yet, I work hard, try to do well and then when I see a grade that is...sub-par, I feel incompetent and stupid. Why does someone else not have to study at all and they ACE everything and I have to study 'til my eyes bleed and I barely pass?

Work is good and I am so grateful that I have a job and that I get paid well and that I can make a difference there but sometimes, when I get all the calls where everyone is mad and it's "all my fault" I just want to cry. Why do people have to be so rude? There is no need to call someone an ignorant *insert swear word* because the transcript was ordered (by the caller, mind you) incorrectly. I don't write or design the BYU pages, I don't even have a say. And really, if you would just calm down, you would know I'm trying to help BUT I still have to follow policies set in place because of FEDERAL LAWS. And just in case you didn't know already, I DON'T WRITE THOSE EITHER. 

Exercise has been almost non-existent these days. Being sick, not having the car or having to work on projects has totally messed up my schedule. For any of you who have followed my running experience, you'll know that I'm not allowed to for one more week and even then I have to get doctor's approval. I just don't feel good about my body. I'm surrounded by family members (both blood and in-law) and friends who have fit and slender bodies and it makes me feel like an elephant. I've been working hard (minus the last couple of weeks) to loose weight, treat my body well and get in shape and yet I still feel like the big balloon in the room. So what happens when I get pregnant? All pregnant women gain weight. I am willing to sacrifice my body to bring children into this world but what happens after? Will I have enough energy to play with my children like I should? To keep up with them while trying to teach them to be healthy? And when I don't look healthy, why would they take me seriously? (I'm not anywhere close to being pregnant and I'm already worried about this.This is definitely premature but here it is, taking space up in my head.)

All of this has just been piling up and piling up on me and today I cracked. (There was a catalyst but we won't discuss professor dummy-pants here.) Anyway, leaving said professor's office I LOST it. Completely. I was even trying to tell myself to calm down, be rational, this is silly, but no. Those good ol' tear ducts just BURST open. 

Here's the silver lining:

I made it to the bathroom, locked myself in a stall for about an hour until I was sure I'd be okay to get out of the building without losing it again. As I was walking down the hall, a young man crossed from his room to the water fountain. I was trying to keep my head down (so my helplessly splotchy red face would be hidden) but I wasn't fooling him. He stopped me, asked if everything was ok and when I told him I'd be okay, BOOM. Tears. Uhg. It's an annoying way my body recuperates but such is life. Anyway, he ushered me into his office and said, "I don't know you, but I know that you need to talk to someone. So here I am. Talk." And so I did. Just about the school stuff but it was a good feeling. When I was done he gave me some advice and asked if he could give me a hug. I left his little office (He was a T.A. named Shaun? Sean? Shawn?...IDK how you spell it) and headed down to my nest class. My face was still blotchy and red and I was trying to calm myself (still...). A girl in my class asked if I was okay and let me play with her baby. She said. "I'm right there with you. I just force myself to remember that my grades, my classes, don't reflect how good of a mother or a wife I am." THEN after class I got a text from my little sister who I hadn't talked to in awhile. She just asked me how I was doing but we texted back and forth for awhile and it made me feel better. Heavenly Father knew what I needed. And three people followed the Spirit and helped me feel my Savior's love. It is nothing short of a miracle.

How have you felt the Savior's love today?