Too Tight

I think I have a problem.
That's the first step, right? Admitting that you have a problem?
I've noticed it about myself and quite frankly, it makes me sick. It's not a very pleasing quality, at least, not in my eyes.
From this point on I will try to describe, best I know how, to explain to all of you brave readers about my "problem". I do hope you will forgive any nonsensical sentences or attempted explanations.
*Deep Breath*
Here goes.
I hold on to people too tightly. Not in the literal sense, of course, but in the relationship sense. It's not always with everyone, just with people who I have really bizarre connections with. Bizarre in a good way. There have been very few people in my life who meet me and just straight out get me. They understand why I talk the way I do, why I say the things I do, why I react to situations the way I do...they just understand me. And that's before they really know me. THEN comes the all night long conversation, the opening up and spilling deep and troubling past experiences, the full on "I trust you and can't help it" way of thinking. And let me just say that trusting people is hard...really hard for me.
After awhile, the fear kicks in. "Should I really trust them? They haven't done anything not to deserve my trust but should I trust them as much as I do? Do they really want to be around me so much? Why do we hang out so much? Am I a fall-back plan? Am I really all that important to them? Am I as important to them as they are to me? But does it matter? I am comfortable around them, I can be myself around them, I am...me. For once in a long time, I can be me. But are they really okay with 'me' still?" All of these stupid questions build up...and keep building until finally I am so annoyed with the constant battle within that I want to run away from myself. Which can only mean that I am definitely annoying the other person. In fact, by this point I know that the other person is, even if they weren't before. It's a vicious cycle that sucks me down and I know why.
Growing up, kids can be mean. Especially when you aren't necessarily the Belle of The Ball. And that stupid saying..."Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me..." Yeah, well, sorry for all of you who have been able to heal from the brusing of sticks and stones and have 100% happy, selfdoubtless lives, but words do hurt. Whoever said "The pen is mightier than the sword," sure did know what he was talking about.
Everyday I wake up and know that I am blessed to have good friends and a wonderful family and I look for the "good" in the day. I try to be as happy as I can be but eventually the facade has to crack. And it does. Every now and then. I think today, though, it's crumbling and I'm feeling all to vulnerable. I'm reading WAY too into stupid little things and they are bothering me. It's a good thing I only have half a day of work because I don't think I can keep it together for more than a couple more hours.
I'm not sure I've conveyed, my frustranger (yes, that is a new word that I just made up.) but I know that if I keep writing I'm just going to keep thinking about it which won't help. I guess it won't matter, I still want to run away from myself but what can I do? Deal with it, I suppose.