Confidence

A song from the sound of music goes something like this, "I have confidence in sunshine! I have confidence in rain! I have confidence that spring will come again! Besides, which you see, I have confidence in me!"

Sometimes I wish I could belt out that song perfectly and believe it.

I've been told before that I am a confident person and that so-and-so is jealous of that confidence. I attribute that to my acting skills and while I am flattered and honored that people would be jealous of me ever, I have to say that I am not always confident in my abilities to do anything. And if I do it, and I confident that I will do it right? Not always.

Sometimes, you can forget the things that you do well because the list of things that you achieve at a sub-par level seems to extend so far in front of you that you collapse under the weight of the pressure. That's how I feel right now. Sub-par. Incapable to doing anything worth merit or honor.

I'm not writing this because I want pity or even need it necessarily I just want everyone who reads this...(ha...all 7 of you...) that confidence is not and has not ever been the easiest thing for me.

I am a girl who likes Theater and Music but I also love Sports. I like hiking and biking but I also love to sit in side and play video games. I love to read but I also love to watch movies. I love to dress up and look nice but I love wearing my sweats. I love to cook and I love to have someone cook for me. I love veggies and I love potato chips. I love to love, I really do and I also am a very mean person if I don't check myself. I am mature and I am immature. I am silly and I am serious. I am patient and then I am so incredibly impatient. I don't fit into any one mold and while being unique is great and all, it is hard to be so unique at times that I don't belong anywhere.

Things can be said that hurt and that stay with a person. Kids in the sixth grade called me "cow". Though I've learned to push that away, sometimes the hurt creeps back, unwelcome as it is.

I love my family very much. And as every family does, mine has imperfections. Six girls with such stark personalities, there were words that were said at times that still are recalled, years later. I was by no means only a victim. I played my part in the "villain" role plenty of times and for some reason, that makes me feel worse. I know that dwelling on the past will change nothing and acting for a better future is the only true form of reform but sometimes I wish I could reach into the past and cover my ears, protecting my oh-so-sensitive self from hearing unkind, stupid, biting comments that were made out of spite, fear, anger or jealousy. We were all different people then but when those things come from people you love, despite everything, those words seem to come back the loudest and most painful. I know that we all regret the scars we gave each other, at least I do, but we have to move forward and heal the wounds that I think all of us are too stubborn to admit we have-for the most part.

Because of that, I wish so much that I could be the ultimate sister: the perfect babysitter, the perfect role model, the perfect person to give advice, the perfect debater, the perfect communicator. I wish so much that I could be the ultimate daughter: patient, loving, kind, better about communicating, not selfish, free of tendencies to project an attitude of acting entitled.

I love my family and I have such a wonderful life so writing all of this down and complaining makes me feel ungrateful. I am so blessed! I feel guilty that I have bad days. I shouldn't doubt that The Lord has my life in His hands. I should feel confident in sunshine, rain and myself. Always. But the truth is that I do have bad days. I do get discouraged and feel unworthy of love. I suppose that this is all part of our experience here on earth. If we never experience sorrow or grief, loneliness or unloved the beauty of feeling happiness and joy, comfort and love would be taken away and we would not appreciate or understand the extent of it all.

So, do I have confidence in sunshine? Yes. Rain? Yes. Do I have confidence in me? Eh, maybe not today but tomorrow is a new day and full or opportunities to be better at being confident.