What Do You Think?

Do you ever feel that regardless of the fact that you have many friends and family who love you, you're missing something? I do. I know I'm loved, I do, really. But despite all of that I have my doubts. You see, I have this, I don't know what you'd call it, but it makes me care a lot about the people I consider to be friends. What stinks is not always knowing what your "friends" think of you. And I don't mean, " Oh geez, Caitlin just annoys me!" because I have no doubt that I can, in fact, be annoying. What I mean is...okay, the only way this is going to make sense is if I give you an example, so here goes:

Two friends have been separated for awhile (let's say 2 years just for the heck of it). Eventually the friends reunite and it's a grand ol' time. Stories are shared, memories are recounted and laughter, simple, pure laughter is shared between the two friends. But then there is a separation again. Nothing that can be avoided really but at least it's not as drastic as the past 2 years. Anyway, there is a semi-strong line of communication between the two but friend one fears that friend two doesn't care as much she does. (Please don't read to much into this, I am merely describing a fear of losing one of the best friendships known to human kind.)

Life just seems to be trucking along and I know where I'd like it to go but it means the world to me to have this one person in my life. It's that feeling that you get when you just want to feel needed knowing that you need the people you want to feel needed by. I just don't feel that anyone cares to have me around. Not that they are repulsed when I'm around, I just don't feel like I'm the ray of sunshine for anyone right now. I think my "love language" is mainly words of affirmation, I like knowing through verbal cues that what I'm doing is right or appreciated. I sound like I'm pitying myself, and I hate people who pity themselves. I just want to know if anyone else ever feels that way? Do you have just one person you know will always let you know how much they care even if they've told you a billion times before?

I guess I'm just rambling on again but I want to feel cared about. In all honesty. I want someone to say "Hey, Caitlin, how was your day?" or, "How's your weekend going?" because they honestly care about the answer and not because it's just something you ask. Is that so much to ask for? I mean, c'mon, I know I'm not the best socially presentable person and sometimes I hide behind my sarcasm just to protect myself. Let's face it I have a list of flaws that would take too long to write. What I'm trying to say is that I care. I CARE. It's so hard not knowing what people think about you but harder when you feel like people are only nice to you because they feel like they have to be. I hate fake people.

This is why I love communication.

Dawn

With the dawn brings hope unknown
to me from the dark lonely night.
The light comforts and consoles
the fright within my heart.

With just a touch of blue sky
the night no longer lingers.
No tears linger in my eyes
as I open the window wide.

A deep breath is all it takes
to chase away my woes.
A prayer, a smile, a soft warm breeze
Has scared away my foes.

With the dawn brings hope I'd forgotten
to hold close to my heart.
Yet now I have it, never to leave
I can have a whole new start.

Tonight.

It's dark.
I sit listening to the cars go by outside my window.
I'm cold.
But it's a cold from the inside out.
It hurts.
Not having a soul here by me in this bitter night.
I'm tired.
I pray that the sorrows I feel now will be taken by the sleep to come.
I cried.

I cried.

If You Ask Me What I Think

If you ask me what I think,
I'll tell you what I know.
Should you tell that man you love him
or wait until his feelings show?

"Does this look okay?"
"Dearest, tell me what to do!"
"Do you think my heart can handle that?"
"I think he loves me, do you?"

"Wear that dress, you'll look divine."
"Tell him how you feel."
"You're heart can handle anything, love."
"His love for you is real."

"If I take that step then he'll forever know
what's happened to my heart.
So tell me now, do I jump
or go right back to the start?"

"Trust in love,
my dearest friend,
and find your answer
at the end."

I never thought I'd give advice
to a lover lost struggling in the game.
To love and wonder, but there it went
as if my life had been the same.

But alas, I must admit
I've never been so bold
to tell the man I truly love
that my heart, he'll always hold.

No, I give advice about this and that
about things that don't seem to matter.
But love is the one thing of them all
that makes me as mad as a hatter.

I go crazy waiting and thinking
analyzing every detail,
knowing that I should speak up
but fearing that I'll fail.

And what if my affection
is ignored and not returned?
Could I pick the shattered pieces up
and say it was a lesson learned?

I have too much invested in this man
ridiculous as it may seem
To speak would be to lose so much
to a foolish unobtainable dream.

So, I'll give my advice to him and her
but act not for my own.
For the love I've waited so long to see
in his eyes, he has not yet shown.

I'll wait until the time is right
and not take my own advice.
Though silly it may seem to you
this love is of unmeasurable price.

I'll ask you what you think
but please let my ignorance reign.
For a heartache is not on the list of things
I'm wishing to obtain.

Butterflies

The phone rings
I get butterflies
Why?

Because it's you on the other end.

Empty

I knew you would do this
Just like last time
You let me get excited
And then crush my heart felt dreams

Empty are your promises.

Torn

Someone once said
"Smell the roses dear friend."
And so I did.

But while the roses I did smell
My heart was locked
I could not tell

And now that time has brought them back
My heart is heavy
It holds a crack

Ready to rip right down the middle
I never thought Love
Would be like a riddle

To love or to bide?
The feelings I have
Refuse to hide

Still dazed and confused
My heart stands at a crossroads
Feeling lonely and bruised

I take a deep breath
If it was my choice
I'd rather face death

Than choose one from the two
They're both just so right
But which do I choose

Too long have I dwelt in this flowery place
Full of fables and fairies
Now reality I must face

Like it or not I stand facing fate
Praying to Father
That I'm not too late

I take one step forward and two steps back
Afraid of the knowledge
I know that I lack

I pray then I see that the path is to steep
I sink to the ground
Where I begin to weep

Then a voice I've heard before speaks yet again,
"Dear child, stop weeping,
I am a friend."

I look up and The Gardener takes hold of my hand
His eyes are gentle, he smiles
And helps me to stand

"I know your heart, I know your fears,
I count your laughs, I count your tears.
I shall not leave you comfortless,
though hard your road my be.
I'll lead you, guide you, walk beside you,
My child, I'll never leave."

He takes my hand and leads me on
Down the steep and winding road
My tears are dried and gone

Though torn and lost my heart may be, He will make me whole.