Do you ever feel that regardless of the fact that you have many friends and family who love you, you're missing something? I do. I know I'm loved, I do, really. But despite all of that I have my doubts. You see, I have this, I don't know what you'd call it, but it makes me care a lot about the people I consider to be friends. What stinks is not always knowing what your "friends" think of you. And I don't mean, " Oh geez, Caitlin just annoys me!" because I have no doubt that I can, in fact, be annoying. What I mean is...okay, the only way this is going to make sense is if I give you an example, so here goes:
Two friends have been separated for awhile (let's say 2 years just for the heck of it). Eventually the friends reunite and it's a grand ol' time. Stories are shared, memories are recounted and laughter, simple, pure laughter is shared between the two friends. But then there is a separation again. Nothing that can be avoided really but at least it's not as drastic as the past 2 years. Anyway, there is a semi-strong line of communication between the two but friend one fears that friend two doesn't care as much she does. (Please don't read to much into this, I am merely describing a fear of losing one of the best friendships known to human kind.)
Life just seems to be trucking along and I know where I'd like it to go but it means the world to me to have this one person in my life. It's that feeling that you get when you just want to feel needed knowing that you need the people you want to feel needed by. I just don't feel that anyone cares to have me around. Not that they are repulsed when I'm around, I just don't feel like I'm the ray of sunshine for anyone right now. I think my "love language" is mainly words of affirmation, I like knowing through verbal cues that what I'm doing is right or appreciated. I sound like I'm pitying myself, and I hate people who pity themselves. I just want to know if anyone else ever feels that way? Do you have just one person you know will always let you know how much they care even if they've told you a billion times before?
I guess I'm just rambling on again but I want to feel cared about. In all honesty. I want someone to say "Hey, Caitlin, how was your day?" or, "How's your weekend going?" because they honestly care about the answer and not because it's just something you ask. Is that so much to ask for? I mean, c'mon, I know I'm not the best socially presentable person and sometimes I hide behind my sarcasm just to protect myself. Let's face it I have a list of flaws that would take too long to write. What I'm trying to say is that I care. I CARE. It's so hard not knowing what people think about you but harder when you feel like people are only nice to you because they feel like they have to be. I hate fake people.
This is why I love communication.
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