Reflection

I don't mean to be pessimistic or fish or compliments.

I think I just need to vent. 

I have realized lately that I am hard on myself. Harder than I should be, I think. 

Why?

Because there is never enough.

Never enough time, never enough money, never enough sleep...

I don't personally possess enough.

Never enough beauty, never enough smarts, never enough patience...

I feel as though it is my responsibility to fix that. 

I should be able to be super woman. Have a house, clean, sorted and folded laundry, the perfect smile, the best scheduling balancing act, a car that doesn't squeal and wake up the entire neighborhood, have (at least) a 3.8 GPA, and a job that brings in just the right amount of money.

Sometimes I look at my life and I assess where I am and where I feel that I should be. 

I often find myself consumed by my short comings and imperfections. I nitpick and compare and it all just makes me want to give up and cut myself off from it all, quit school, quit my job, hide out in my room and only talk to Neil. Ever. 

You have to understand that knowing and believing are completely different things. I may know that everything I just mentioned isn't true. I may know my worth is of a higher value but right now it is hard to belive the good things. Does that makes sense? It almost seems as though if I admit, in writing, that I am not always "with it" then the secret is out and I don't feel like I have to try so hard anymore. 

Sometimes I fa, made to feel as though I should be embarrassed that I'm not a size 2, 4.0 student/wife, with the perfect car and perfect house, and perfect family.

Sometimes I am made to feel as thiough I should be embarrassed because I have bad days and doubt myself.

Why do I feel like that? Honestly. I don't have an answer. Why do I, a woman who knows my great and individual worth, believe , at times, that I am "less than". 

At this point you're reading this and thinking, "But you have all of these marvelous things! How can you be so negative?!" How? Because I am human. I have my days of doubt and need that to be respected. Not fixed, not waved away like it's just a silly little tantrum. Why is it so hard for us humans to NOT try to fix something? Why can't people just vent without being made to feel guilty because someone else says, "Yeah, but you have so and so "and "at least you have this and that"? 

I understand that it is a helping mechanism. We want to make someone feel better.We want to fix, lift, cheer and support. To be honest though, sometimes it just makes me feel a bazillion times worse. 

I am not excusing myself or saying that I have never done this because that would be false. I am guilty of doing this, just a disclaimer.

I love you all, but sometimes, I just have crap-tastic days and that should be okay! It should be and it is! So there!

Ha, in pondering I realize, this is not really a post that "invites" comments. But if you would like to agree or disagree with me, that is fine. Just, please, no "fixing" comments?

Why My Husband Rocks

Neil is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I am blown away by his constant care of me. I love him and here are just a few reasons why. 

This is by no means a comprehensive list.

1. He always makes me breakfast and lunch
2. Neil is the most patient guy I know, he never gets mad
3. He'll call me to let me know when he's on his way home. 
4. He is a really great cook and he'll make dinner when I am feeling tired
5. He takes out the trash
6. I'm pretty sure he has done more laundry in our married life than I have
7. He snuggles me and helps me feel better on rough days
8. He has never failed to open the door for me, be it the car, or a building etc. 
9. He encourages me to break out of my shell and try new things
10. He humors my crazy ideas (craft kinds...)
11. Neil is the most trusting and humble man I know. He makes friends easily and is kind to everyone
12. He loves simplicity and wide open spaces
13. He watches chick flicks with me (like, You've Got Mail, Somewhere in Time, 13 Going on 30, Confessions of a Shopaholic etc.)
14. He can make me laugh and smile when nobody else can
15. Neil is a wonderful student. There are times that I see him buried in his homework that I know I would just give up but he doesn't.When he says he will do something, he does it and he does it well. 
16. He has taught me how to save money and become financially responsible
17. He loves the Lord. He loves the Gospel and the scriptures and is so good at leading our family in spiritual and temporal matters
18. He is my biggest fan.  
19. He understands that not everything is easy and that working hard is part of life. He is teaching me this more and more every day.  
20. He loves me for who I am and who I can become.

I Look To You

I Look To You

To the Mother with the unconsolable child who is tired and worn. 

I look to you. 

Not with annoyance but with admiration. 

Do not be embarrassed. 

To the Mother with piles of laundry lining her hallway, with no time to take care of it because she is entertaining her child. 

I look to you. 

Not with disgust but with respect. 

Do not feel ashamed. 

To the Wife who supports her husband while he embarks on receiving an education.

I look to you. 

Not with belittlement but with support. 

Do not feel inferior. 

To the Woman who feels alone and so desperately wants companionship.

I look to you. 

Not to diminish but to strengthen.

 Do not despair.

To the Woman who is a student and has two jobs simply so she can support herself.

I look to you. 

Not with haughty pride but with encouragement.

Do not give up. 

To the Woman who is learning what pregnancy is like with all it's highs and lows. 

I look to you. 

Not with envy but with hope. 

Do not hide. 

To the Woman who is tired.

To the Woman who is ready to quit.

To the Woman who cannot see the good qualities she possesses.

To the Woman who does not feel that she has a friend in this world. 

To the Woman who is unsure of herself. 

I look to you. 

I look with eyes that see someone who is bigger, stronger and smarter than she can ever comprehend. I look with eyes that are young and unlearned that see your experiences as a chance to learn.

I see you for who you are and who you can become.

I look to you.

Six Pounds

Maybe it's not a huge deal to anyone else. 

Maybe I'm just too excited to care!

I've lost six pounds in two weeks!!!

I get to drink this really yummy shake for breakfast which, unlike Slim Fast and all those other "weight loss" drinks, actually curbs my appetite. 

And it's REALLY GOOD. It's actually not a weight loss product either...more on that another time.

I feel really good and I know that I'm going to keep losing weight. 

Good-bye old me, Hello Zrii!

You Want Me To Do What Now?

Training. (Running.)

Week Four

I thought it would be okay since I've been running every week and running longer intervals each time.

I feel great now (twenty minutes after I've finished) but when I started and saw the intervals this thing wanted me to do, I thought, "You want me to do what now? No way. I can't."

But then I stopped myself. I cut off that train of thought and quickly started telling myself,
"I can and I am."
I was already running so why not keep going?

I did it. I stopped to stretch out my legs (they were cramping in my ankles....weird) halfway through the five minute interval but I paused the program so that I didn't cheat myself (entirely) out the five minutes of running.

By the end, my lungs felt...spongy? Does that make sense? Like, I couldn't breathe and my lungs felt sticky and spongy. The only way I could breathe was by lifting my shoulders up to my ears when I inhaled and huffing when I exhaled.

I looked so cool. Not.

BUT I DID IT. I completed the entire workout. I ran and didn't give up. And I was able to do it because I asked the Lord to help me. The Lord knows how important this is to me and so He made it important to Him.

God is, and Life is, GOOD.

P.S.-If I can do it, SO CAN YOU. One of my favorite quotes, "No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch."

My First Birthday As A Married Woman

5:00 AM- Neil woke up and left the room, I turned over and fell asleep again. 

 5:45AM- I was wide awake so I got up.

I walked into the kitchen and Neil had made homemade pancakes and butter syrup. 

In one of the pancakes, Neil hid a cute little message. 

"I <3 U"

It was adorable. 

7:30AM-Doctor's office. I was given two more medications to add to the regime. Whatever. 

8:30AM-I arrived at work and there was a really cute birthday card and ODWALLA BARS!!! So yummy. 

Google even had a celebration for me!
 
11:00AM-Staff Meeting. We had a team building activity where we had to make PB&J sandwiches. We don't like boring Staff Meetings. 

12:00PM- A Loverly little friend of mine took me to go get some birthday ice cream. Seeing as how me and most dairy products don't get along all that well (plus, sugar is just not my friend) I had half of an ice cream cupcake. Yum.

I could only really eat half. More than that...I would have exploded. But it was yummy.

3:00PM- I skipped class. It's my birthday, I do what I want.
During this time I went home and took a nap. I cannot get enough sleep lately! I love sleep. LOVE IT.

4:30PM Neil and I went to Nickel City. SO FUN.
Have you ever been? It was a total throwback to childhood. Not that I spent much time in arcades but...It was awesome. I even won the jackpot on one of the games...it was our last two nickles.Vegas, here I come. (Ha, yeah right.)


6:00PM- Texas Roadhouse

Yum. Need I say more? Actually, yes. It was a great meal, don't get me wrong but, if you saw my last post then you'd know that beef is rough for me. Neil had ribs that literally fell off the bone. He said they were good but wasn't sure they were "award winning". Our waitress was really trying to hurry us along and I didn't like that. Regardless, the food was not bad. It wasn't AMAZING but it wasn't bad either. We left full and satisfied.

7:15ish (I lost track of time...) We stopped by Redbox and picked up Pitch Perfect. We got home and watched a movie and had a very nice evening.

Overall, it was a really awesome birthday. So many people wrote thoughtful and kind messages to me and really focused on making my birthday a great day. More than anyone though was Neil. He made me feel so cared and special and loved. I am so grateful for him and for all of the work he does for me. I'm grateful that he is mine forever.

OH! I almost forgot! Neil gave me a Spa Day- A 90 minute massage! Yes, please! He also got me an iPhone dock/radio and Razzles. (I really like the movie 13 Going On 30...)

Birthday Girl!! (Me...)

Thanks For Making Me A Fighter

I've had a couple of suggestions that I should write about my medical struggles and what exactly that means for my life.

So, I know I've mentioned this before on my blog but I guess I haven't gone into much detail. I've included links for each different medical malady that I have just in case you'd like to see more information about each one. 

So, I've always had struggles with food. Feeling like I was going to be sick after eating a normal sized meal, having pressure in my stomach after eating certain foods, heartburn started as young as eleven. (That's the first time I remember having heartburn at least...)

I never really assigned a reason to all the craziness with food until I moved to college and realized it was a bigger problem than I thought. 

After a few (okay, so really it was A LOT) of tests over the span of a year and a half and two different doctors/surgeons  I was diagnosed with the following (in order of discovery):

1. PCOS- Poly cystic ovarian syndrome

*This is why I am also Insulin Resistant (different than Diabetic)

2. GERD-Gastro Esophageal Reflux Disease

3. IBS- Irritable Bowel Syndrome 

Now the breakdown:

PCOS

This, apparently, is common in women of this generation. There is a range of "how bad" your PCOS can be. I'm on the "higher"  end of the scale. PCOS also increases the chances of being insulin resistant. Together, this makes it harder than normal to lose weight. Want to know the frustrating thing? Losing weight is one of the TOP ways to manage your PCOS and make it less of an issue. Do you see the catch 22 there? Yeah. It's annoying. On top of having a hard time losing weight, I will have a harder time with pregnancies. (According to my doctor.) The more weight I lose the better but according to another doctor I've seen the only way to know how hard getting pregnant will be is by how "regular and heavy" my menstrual cycle is. (I apologize if that was TMI for you.)

Medication: None really, except for Metformin but Metformin screws with my stomach...thank you, IBS.

Fixable?: Losing weight and taking Iron supplements are two ways to deal with it but as far as my research as shown, there is no "cure".

GERD

This is the bane of my existence. Heartburn all day everyday. I have a medication that soothes the burn but because my lower sphincter muscle is all messed up, stomach acid is constantly "splashing" up into/onto my esophagus burning the tissue. If this continues (and gets progressively worse) it is possible to have stomach/esophagus cancer. Joy. The meds help to soothe the burn and prevent massive amounts of acid coming up BUT they don't lessen my chances of cancer. Again, joy. There is a surgery that basically fixes the esophagus but my current surgeon didn't write a convincing enough report for the insurance company, therefore no surgery just yet. There is a surgeon that would do it but he is about 6 hours away so we're looking to when I could have the surgery done...probably next year.

Medication: Nexium, Pepcid and Tums

Fixable?: With a 90% success rate, a Trans-oral Fundoplication can reconstruct the sphincter (essentially) making the acid remain where it should.

IBS

Oi. This took forever to diagnose. Finally, they figured it out. Basically, I need to be near a bathroom at all times. It's highly obnoxious and semi embarrassing. I won't go into details because if you checked out the link up top, you'll have a good idea of what it does to a body.

Medication: Dicyclomine (3x a day)

Fixable?: As far as I have been told, no. 

Because of the GERD and the IBS there are a lot of things I "can't/shouldn't" eat. 

Here is the short list:

Berries: Mainly blue, rasp, black and boysen. Strawberries are okay if they are sweet. 

Citrus: Orange, Lemon, Lime, Grapefruit and Pineapple (yikes). I can do "Cuties" if they are sweet and fully ripe. How do I know if they're ripe? They're a little bit "loose" feeling. Not mushy but loose.

NO CHERRIES!: Oh my gosh, I get SO SICK. The only kind I have had without getting sick is the fresh black kind. Even then, I can only have a few before I start to get sick.

Coconut (it makes my throat swell up)

Peppers: Bell (any color) jalapeno etc. 

Onions

Fresh Garlic (powder is ...okayish)

 Pork: (most people are sad because I can't eat bacon but growing up just the smell of bacon gave me a headache and made me sick. I've never liked it so I'm totally okay with this). Pulled pork (like the Cafe Rio kind) is okay, but I have to be careful not to eat too much. 

BBQ Sauce

Tomatoes (again, it depends on the kind. Cherry and grape

 Beef: This is okay, in fact I eat beef a lot but my stomach takes FOREVER to digest it. But, I like steak way too much to give it up entirely. I just can't eat it everyday.


What I LOVE to Eat...
Mangoes
Celery & Peanut Butter
Cuties (If they're ripe. I'm totally obsessed.)

Cucumbers
Carrots
Eggs
Other things...

I do have to say that I am blessed.

I don't have to fight cancer or any immune diseases.

I fight my health battles and I will win. I know because the Lord is on my side.

So, to quote Christina Aguilera, thank you, medical issues, for making me a fighter.

P.S.-Update, I've been put back on Metformin as of today. This will be an adventure.